A thought:
"'I'm not changing fast enough' is the type of mental tension that slows down your transformation." - Yung Pueblo
Today was a day full of angst. I've been having a pelvic flare and today it's better... yahoo! I'm trying to just move forward and get healthier again, not dwell on the week of a pelvic flare that just passed though feeling the weirdness of what it feels like to get yanked out of life.
I also spent about two hours dealing with stuff for my Mom's finances. I talked with the person who's done some investing for her. I worked hard to not be so angry about all this and project that out to him. I found myself doing that at times as he occasionally was somewhat patronizing and is a friend of theirs from church. He's said things in the past that make me roll my eyes, but he's been very kind to my parents and I'm grateful honestly he tucked her money away.
By the time I got off the phone with him, I felt super triggered and unsafe. I took a long shower and again, just tried to use some of my tools to feel safe and know it's going to work out. I don't have to be angry and hyper-vigilant.
I'm sad when I now realize how angry and guarded I am all the time. I literally just feel ready for someone to screw us over or screw me over. I've done some additional reading regarding having a parent as a narcissist and it totally fucks you up. I can relate to much of it and am just trying my best, little by little, to get better.
I was watching Jim Gaffigan the other night and read that his wife had a brain tumor. I read an article, and it said they get through everything like they normally do, and that's with humor.
"Despite their daunting situation, the Gaffigans kept searching for the joke. 'That’s the way we deal with life: with humor,' says Jeannie of herself and her husband of 14 years. 'Fight or flight, we went with fight. The fight was using humor to cope with tragedy.'”
I was like, "What on earth is that like?" I literally have no idea what it'd be like not to be super jacked up all the time, literally scared and anxious and uptight often. I have better periods here and there, but my resting state is still hyper-vigilance.
So I need to laugh more and create more laughter for myself and others. I think I might let this guide me as I consider next steps and classes.
I think as I become less anxious, I need to start taking myself less seriously. Everything shouldn't be as serious as I make it out to be. This is a choice.
Overall, just trying right now to really understand myself as I am beneath all the responsibilities and tension I feel.