I feel shitty.
I had a flare last Tuesday due to a variety of things. It's been going on a week.
I want a current record of how shitty this is.
My ass is on fire. My muscles all around my ass literally are spasming so I have to take pain meds as I choose. That throws off any kind of exercise routine I have and I have to push more to just stay on a schedule. I feel like checking out, doing the minimum, drinking more, letting everything go. I lose any desire I have to move ahead with any projects. I wish I smoked weed; it'd fit in with my "fuck it all" mood.
The only upside is it keeps others chronic pain issues in the forefront of my mind. I seem to easily slip into forgetfulness of how hard life can be. I can be harsh that way. The sacred story of the person who was forgiven much and refused to forgive little rings uncomfortably true for me. This reminds me of what others go through, to be patient, to not disconnect and move on from people struggling. I guess it keeps me from becoming so callous.
However, on top of how it affects my mood, I'm in pain. Like, it is right there in the front of my mind, like a neon sign. Everything I do, I do to try and moderate the pain, either through distraction or direct pain blocking.
So it becomes a part-time job. Sex goes out the window. Playfulness, gone. Relaxation, nope. Enter instead being withdrawn, abrupt, short, fatigued, weary, cranky.
Tonight is the first night in the past week I've felt anxious. It's been coming and going and I thought it had gone. Today it was worse.
I have to slow down all my forward movement and go back to the drawing board. What did I do wrong? Do I need to schedule my chiropractic appointment sooner than scheduled? Do I need a massage? How's my pain med prescription? Do I need a refill?
None of this is conducive to living life well or at a healthy pace.
I stopped stretching so that could be part of it and my own fault. Too much sitting? Not enough relaxation? I don't fully know.
I know it gets old and doesn't pay well.
*****
Today was about three hours of meetings at work. That's probably the most I've done in a few months. I don't miss it but seemed important to go to them. One was on pricing and the other was on marketing. Then I took a long nap.
Tonight we went to a favorite restaurant with friends from out of town. They are fascinated by Jay's bio family story, as many people are. I don't think I'm far enough away from it yet to fully understand all that's happened.
These are wonderful, mature and charming people. Much like Jay's bio family, they seem interested in being around us and just their normalcy and interest is healing. I feel so often like an orphan, even within this larger family.
I read an article today on being raised by a narcissist and what that does to you as a child, especially the part of taking care of them and focusing on their needs. It nulls you out as a person and you adapt to that, as if it's normal. Switching to a more normal pattern is something you have to learn as an adult, or you never learn it.
Being around caring, normal adults that are older than us always feels like a treasure. So we enjoyed a lovely meal with them, and look forward to the next time.
Time to zone out and watch some comedy. My pain meds are kicking in. I hope tomorrow is better.
#fuckpain
*****
Then, in the mix as it always is, the daily joys of life. This time of year, there is some surge of deep satisfaction in life when you sense the weather change.
I came up the stairs yesterday morning and for some reason, could smell our unique house smell. There was a tiny twine in the air. It filled me with this deep satisfaction, the kind that you imagine not getting anywhere else.
#thankful
Sooo... thankful and crazy frustrated.
#truelife