I went and spent the night at S’s last night as her hubs was gone. I was reminded of how gracious she is and how she’s handling the disease so well. It’s remarkable. It’s like her full time job, managing her meds. I would be so depressed, but she’s not. She’s just accepted it. I don’t accept hard things very well. I have a sense of entitlement I think of some kind and don’t know where that comes from.
So today I woke up in a different mood and just decided I didn’t want to obsess on this stuff any longer. I did a bit of the Examen and I just need to trust God more, to let this stuff go and to move forward believing God is before me and working on our behalf. It’s beyond awful and really disappointing, how awful people are being and not realizing how hard this is on us. I just saw a former employee post on FB a reminder photo of her with two former employees. Below the photo? A happy tears emoticon.
Can I just go throw up somewhere right now?
I try and be grateful that people have made lasting friendships at our workplace; it's not our primary objective, or secondary or one-hundredth. It's just a lot of negative right now.
Back to being grateful and less focus on negativity...
We did help out an employee with moving into a new house. We have some supplies and tools that helped make the move go better, and he asked for our help. I have mixed feelings, like, I feel completely drained by employees right now, but you're cool and I guess if you ask us to help, you wouldn't be planning to quit anytime soon?? So cynical and confused.
So I need to stop viewing people so negatively and believe everyone is out to get me and focus on the future. There are still a lot of really good people at work that need jobs and are happy to be there.
There's a future that's hopeful. I need to process the pain of the past and keep moving ahead.
I also don't have a muscle-wasting disease. I have a home. I have income. I have much to focus on and dwell on. It's a choice. It's a choice to focus on that and be present with it.