A week of recovery and wreckage. Mostly wreckage.
We got out of town and went south to Heyburn State Park. Jay is interested in doing the Trail of the CdA's and wanted to check out the end of the trail. We walked around a bit and checked out the wetland wildlife. Jay took a photo of me that makes my ass look gigantic. Maybe it is? A fitting end to this week: "Giant ass-woman sad but not really over employees leaving what must be an awful workplace."
I realize at times like this how unaware I still am of what Jay is seeking and wanting to do in life, both now and in the future. This is something he really wanted to do, and I complied but wasn't super supportive probably. I hope someday that changes. We both deserve more than half-hearted, frozen, screwed up partners.
I was stunned by the beauty there. The wildflowers, reeds, birds skimming the water, pond life. I wish I could have that alone be my focus. I guess I can try. What would that look like? The area is rich in Native American history so the beauty and tragedy of that are apparent everywhere.
*****
Life feels lonely, even together. I still feel like we are broken in some fundamental way that I can't put my finger on. We are still functional, we are getting out, we are surviving. It feels raw and still like we're both screaming inside.
I'm glad for people in my life that help me keep perspective. I don't know what will turn us fully around. I haven't given up. I am continuing to try new ways to deal with life and my own dysfunction. I don't fully know what's ahead as we just emptied out half our company.
Highlights:
- Still functioning, still married
- Got outside
- Good therapy session that still haven't fully processed
- Birds
Next week:
- Don't panic
Swallow/Heyburn State Park, ID