No, I don't want it to be that way, another week of the same as it always is. I assume the worst will happen. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I can't see anything other than pain.
We have another week ahead with more staff leaving. I want to get out of the rut of feeling abandoned, under attack, neglected, worthless.
A few more thoughts from this past week:
1. I literally cannot give my mind to crazy thinking. I just have to stop it. When I obsess or think negative thoughts or am down on myself… I just have to stop.
2. A good replacement is, I am so loved by God, by myself, by so many people. I am part of nature and Creation. I have a lot of work to do and responsibilities to keep growing. I may need to make amends to people, but for this moment, I love myself and love life.
That seems like a good place to start. I just have to stop this cycle of thinking. There is too much good living to be done. This isn’t getting me anywhere. It will not lead to anything good, and I don’t even have to wonder about that.
*****
Today, I had conference calls w/ one of our largest clients and the board I'm still on. I don't know what's going to happen with this board. I am seriously considering resigning. Good organization on many levels, not great on many levels. Non-profits are tough to run regardless. When you have confused leadership dynamics and messaging, impossible. I don't think I have the guns to go the distance to do what I know needs to be done. I also don't have the authority.
I keep doing what's in front of me while trying to do some of this deep changing. I'm very grateful I didn't bottom out to where I couldn't keep things going.
*****
On the positive and efforts to see positive patterns, we have a new employee. He started the day last week that one key employee had his last day. He has more experience than anyone we've hired before.
We've had dark times before, sometimes of our own making, sometimes not. Often times, there will be a very strong, single light in the middle of it all. I believe this individual is that light this time. I'm very grateful he's here, especially for Jay. I'm also grateful for our consultants in California and Arizona. These men are keeping us all afloat with their skills and wisdom and hard work.