This evening, Jay and I had a talk on the back porch, and I wanted to do some kind of healing ceremony to acknowledge all the crap we’ve been through and a new future.
He said this past week was the hardest with one of his key staff leaving. I am coming out of a fog and fighting this urge to try and control everything. I want to respect Jay and embrace his masculine energy and share our lives, not fight. I need to still work on that.
Being more alert today meant I was more present and seeing what Jay is doing. He does a lot of little things for me. I am obsessed with the things going wrong and can’t see what he especially is doing right. This is really an important reason, if anything, to focus on the good.
I read once that kids growing up in war zones grow up to be narcissistic. i searched online to corroborate that and was unable to do so.
When I think of why I can be self-focused sometimes, it feels like a protection mechanism. I feel like I need to protect myself first and not let anyone "win." I hope someday the reasons for that need to protect disappear. I hope that will allow for more freedom and less anxiety and hypervigilance.