A year ago, I sat on the porch outside and started doing some drawing.
I hadn't done any kind of artwork in quite some time. I'd done a few drawings up on a vacation in Canada and continued on that vein, small drawings within a small circle, captured moments. A squirrel nibbling, the sky, birds on a wire, etc.
I also noted how tired I felt. I was getting a few more things done than before but overall was tired.
Yesterday I went to the gym and did a 40-minute stair-climbing workout. The machines now have virtual reality trail hikes that you can watch while you exercise. I picked the one for Mt. Blanc. I enjoyed it immensely and enjoyed remembering that trip.
I'm getting daily chores done every morning. I keeping myself on a schedule with home stuff and also work, errands and my future career plans. Everything moves slow it seems, but I am seeing progress especially when I reflect back on where I was a year and two years ago.
Two years ago, I was sleeping almost every day still. My last daily nap was in Hawaii in November of 2016. That's when I also stopped taking Prozac. It's been up since then, but super slow, tiny, baby steps.
Last night, I went to the store and bought a fruit pie. I couldn't find the Hostess ones so bought one from Franz. We split it, and it felt quite fun. We are such a wild, 50-something couple. I felt sexual but was tired. I read an article again today on recovering from sexual abuse. We have a ways to go in that area of our relationship, probably the area Jay has the most pain. I did order the two sex books his therapist recommended. I hope that's helpful. Next step is sex therapy. SO FUN.
I am reviewing and supplementing my blog from last year. At roughly this time last year, more in May, I was reading the book Silence on Fire. I remember bumping into that a few months ago when cleaning and moving books downstairs. I have no memory of reading it or buying it. I don't even know who recommended it.
It reminded me of the dress Jay found in his garment bag a few months ago while on a trip. I have no memory of buying that either.
I read up some on memory, stress and depression. It appears there is a link, but I haven't studied it a ton. I'm hopeful it's temporary and when your stress regulates, it improves. I would say I haven't had any more scares that big, but The Big D is always lurking out there as well with my family history and all.
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Tonight we reviewed our day's activities. We had a very non-triggered discussion about work, how to talk about work, how to process work. There's been a few things lately that have concerned me, and I'm not sure how to bring them up.
I used to be so hysterical and overreactive about any perceived threat to stability or my perception of stability. I've given that up. I also can see clearly the amazing work Jay is doing to keep all the balls in the air. I also see that the things that genuinely were an issue with his leadership style have changed or are changing.
What a miracle to go from last year to this year. What an absolute miracle. I hope in the process of writing this blog, I can uncover some of what allowed us to hang in there and make it.
*****
On a less happy note, I was at a leadership meeting this evening for the only organization I'm still invovled in. I looked back and realized how awful it was to be so completely overextended. It's nice to have the list pared down.
The meeting didn't go well. At one point, the designated leader of the meeting had to stand to call the meeting to order and gain attention. The other most difficult person left early in frustration.
I have put it out to God/the divine/my True Self that if I can be assistive in this situation, I'm willing to be. I don't relish these situations, but I might be able to be helpful. I don't actually know. These are complex, traumatized people in this group, and this group has strict guidelines on keeping the group functioning. This is good, but I still feel it's all breaking down.
For now, it's not my responsibility to do more than I am. I don't plan to be co-dependent and take this on myself. I'll help if it seems I can be helpful. It feels beyond my skill.
These were highly activated, triggered people, unable to really react any differently than they did. This was destined to be a showdown, and it was. I don't know if it will be any different next month or the next. In which case, I'll have to decide if I keep going or not. The environment felt toxic though I have good boundaries.
It's amazing what conflict between two people can do to the forward (or backward) momentum of other good people.