Home from Cali.
Many, many thoughts. At AlAnon last night, we talked about balance. People coming from traumatic backgrounds tend to live in fairly extreme, fight-or-flight states. When they encounter a new way of thinking, they can bounce to another extreme. What can keep you in the middle.
We talked about self-esteem. You can't live in the middle between self-love and self-critique if you don't love yourself. Self-love allows you to accept and also grow to change your weaknesses. You are okay with how you are but striving to change. That's a significantly different posture than hating yourself until you reach some perceived perfect state which will never come. I'm very familiar with that stance.
Other people talked about being connected to their higher power, that this helped them stay balanced. Another long-timer said that if she doesn't practice humility, it's all over. How do you stay humble? Meditation, she said.
I've chewed on this quite a bit today.
I would say this past week was another new high in my growth and healing. On one day, I felt I wasn't representing my true spiritual self to my relatives. I didn't speak up much when we talked about that topic, just that I wasn't where I was when I was a kid, that I was no longer part of the religious tradition my mother was still in.
I realized that this is a hard area for me, to be truthful about my beliefs. Especially with the few relatives I have that I feel close to, I am more concerned with just being accepted and loved than making a clear statement. I also don't even trust myself to know what to say to explain where I am.
To just accept this part of myself was a huge relief. I've never felt that kind of relief before, the full acceptance of myself including flaws or less desirable traits. I'm sad I've felt this way for so long about the things in myself that I'm not fond of. I am not burying them, but I'm also done flogging myself.
I've thought about this alot today, especially during meditation. I focused on the image of being in a constant relationship with nature and with God and God-energy. The image I used for that was the framework of the solar system, that basic structure at the core of nature, of objects orbiting around an energy source. What am I orbiting around? What am I in relationship with that I will stay in contact with?
Rohr's readings the last few weeks have been about Hinduism and Native traditions:
"Hinduism emphasizes concrete practices (yogas) which allow practitioners to know things for themselves. I often wonder if conservative Christians are afraid of the word yoga because they are in fact afraid of concrete orthopraxy! They prefer to strongly believe things but have very few daily practices or yogas that would allow them to know things in an experiential or “real” way.
One of the nondual gifts of Native traditions is their openness to inspiration and wisdom from community, ancestors, dance, drumming, nature, beauty, and signs and symbols that speak deeply to the unconscious. Because they are not tied to one sacred text, they are freer to discover and honor the sacred everywhere."
This spoke deeply to me. I've left traditional church for a variety of reasons, but this ranks in the top five.
I feel constrained by the structure of church services. It's not often about the church, people, pastor/priest; the structure of it all and the lack of flexibility and natural presence makes me feel uptight. I get anxious and ultimately, I get angry. I feel frustrated, and I've never been able to explain why so I quit trying.
I was tired of being judged for what I felt. No, I am not going to another church, and it's too complicated to explain why. I feel like I have to start at the dawn of time myself to unravel what spirituality and connection to God and Christ even means to me; how can I explain that to someone else?
I'm completely hopeful there are communities the world over stopping to celebrate each other, God/the divine, our bodies, nature, and life. I haven't found one that works for me, so I stay connected to small groups of people, family, friends and myself. I try and bring that to others when I can, but to do more on a larger scale feels overwhelming in this culture at this time.
The crickets and planets in August bring me such joy, I can't even. The garden and the produce flows over and ends up in my kitchen. God, everywhere, playing.
*****
The relationship with Jay continues to relax and deepen. We are feeling more comfortable with each other and both individually growing. That's having the biggest impact of all on both of us.
We head to Seattle to see the beauties and celebrate my birthday a bit belated #wedding All good.