Four months ago, I was a mess here in San Fran visiting my aunt. I remember crying on and off one afternoon, something I've never, ever done before. It was draining and exhausting.
This time, I feel different. I don't have that same level of psychic pain. I'm still confused but I'm more okay with what's happening as long as I manage it.
My auntie said they had a family where it was every person for themselves. There wasn't any obvious love or happiness it sounds like. My grandma would hit them a lot, whack them upside the head. She was angry and mad. She showed it. My grandfather mostly observed it all, smoked constantly and died young. She said they didn't talk about what you do might affect other people, human decency. They disregarded that.
She talked about times she had to talk to my mother about things she'd done that hurt her. My mom was shocked. She feels my mom is basically a good person that is clueless that her level of disregard and magical thinking affects other people. She'd be shocked if she knew how much what she does hurts people.
Highlights:
- Time at the beach
- Time out of the smoky city here
- Time with Jay and auntie
- Time to see that I'm healing and releasing the need to have an answer
- Letting myself just live and not have so much pressure
Health update:
- Health: ran on beach on vacation, ran in town with timer, stretching, DO appointment
- Home: garden maintenance and harvest, daily chores
- People: talking with aunt about extended family, visited her, met new friend on vacation, releasing other family members and friends as seasons change
- Marriage: awesome coffee date and talked about life in the past around remodel
- Career: daily writing, blog, finishing Coursera writing class, scheduled time w/ writing coach
- Emotion: using Emotion Wheel to understand why feeling how I'm feeling, reviewing therapy notes
- Spirit: centering prayer, meditation, observing nature
- Creativity: writing, saving IG photos of cool art people are making
Next week:
- Stay on course
- Have realistic expectations for trip to Seattle and visit with kids
- Stay disciplined
- Do creative stuff
- Finish coffee table
- Make small step on stuff with Mom
Pacifica, CA