I was driving home from some dear friend's lake cabin this evening. I felt joy for being with amazing people, but also the familiar sense of sadness at how challenging my life has been to be healthy. I found myself slipping back into dread to go home, to think of what I need to work on, why it's been so long and hard.
I was coming around a long bend in the highway and as the road straightened out, I saw Jupiter shining bright overhead. I took in the dark shadows of the trees as I drove by, the contrast of the inky darkness and the lights so bright overhead.
I felt dwarfed and also embraced by the size and depth of the beauty I was immersed in. At the moment, for the second time this week, I realized that I have a choice. I can embrace gratitude as a way of life, to see nature and people and myself as beautiful, or continue to focus on the darkness that without question has been in my life.
I thought about how easy it is to slip into negativity and how hard it is to stay positive, to stay loving.
As I was driving, I shifted to a different gear. I started listing things I was thankful for that had happened just that day. The whole afternoon and evening spent on a lake with friends. Two boat rides, good food, amazing conversation, all surrounded by nature. I thought about being with Jay's Mom, about being able to run. I thought about our trip to Canada, about people who haven't given up on me. I thought about Jay at home, our kids being settled in Seattle and one newly married. I thought of all the cards I tucked away today in a new spot that the kids had made me over the years.
Yeah, it's a choice.
*****
I made it into the city from out by the lake and was turning down a large arterial. There was Jupiter again. I thought to myself that this is what i want to spend my time doing, looking at planets. Getting a telescope and gazing at stars with other interested star gazers. I don't want o be home knitting and doing embroidery.
Then something interesting happened. Maybe because I wasn't angry, I don't know, but the phrase, This is what she did to get by, came to mind. Then I realized it, a great truth. My grandma wasn't making all these things to suffocate me or anyone else; this was her way of getting by in her world. This helped keep her sane. It really was her world.
Once again, this wasn't about me.
In that moment, I felt like I could be free then from all the projects and gifts that landed in my world, things I simply don't want any longer and never did. These were things that helped her. They aren't things that help me. I can send them on. They served their purpose for her and for me.
It gave me freedom to keep doing the purging I'm doing, to realize I'm not dishonoring her. I think more about her stuff than her. Her stuff stresses me out. I'd love to have just a few things around that remind me of her, and I can actually be less stressed when I think about her. I can think about her good qualities, what benefits she gave to me. Now, I'm just frustrated.
All these things felt like graces of the week. The choice toward gratitude. The acceptance of what is, and moving toward what is better with confidence and positivity and grace. The choice to go to book group and not slack off which I can do. I make up some ridiculous excuse to avoid people, to avoid thinking people want me around, to think people aren't exactly how I'd like them all to be, and I miss the big goodness of it all. So yes, this too, a coming out of my shell and seeking people out again. Of trying to connect again and trust again and regroup again with people. These are such huge changes as I keep emerging from the depression and also go places I've never been.
Being at our friend's cabin, I remembered how I use to feel so good about creating a life with our kids and creating traditions. I remember loving people as best I could and making that the priority wherever I was and with whomever. For a while, it has felt like all the best parts of my life have slowly disappeared over the last several years. It felt good to remember that this one is still there.
Highlights:
- Seeing gratitude as a way of life
- Letting my grandmother (and mother) have their own lives and letting me have mine
- Seeking people out, not judging them, wanting to be with people and letting people be people
- Issues with people are usually about me and my stuff
- Thanking friends helped with wedding with dinner
Next week:
- 10 positives comments for every negative one
- Furniture wrap-up
- Writing and future focus
- Positive spirituality
Rossland, BC