I feel hopeful.
I am reconnecting with a more creative side of myself that has a patina of hope around it.
I put much of my creativity on hold years ago. I didn't know how to balance being a mother and being deeply creative. I was lacking skills in impulse control, feeling empowered, feeling hopeful, feeling in control. It felt very all or nothing.
I remember one time sitting in the den writing. El came in wanting to play, and I told her I had to write.
I sat there and really thought about it. Do I have to write? One day, she'll be gone, and before then even, she won't want to spend as much time with me. What kind of tradeoff am I making here?
I believe kids need to mostly play independently with themselves, siblings, friends, etc. and not entertained by parents. This wasn't one of those situations. I felt I had a decision to make.
I wish I'd had some options so it hadn't had to be all or nothing. That's what was modeled for me as a kid, that mothers especially sacrificed to the point of being pretty frustrated and angry a great deal of the time from the 24x7 burden. I finally ended up getting a nanny a few hours a week in the summers once they started school, and I was working more.
Now, I have that time I was longing for so much back then. I have avoided serious creativity, doing what I guess is called "procrastimaking". Lots of scrapbooks, small sewing projects, stickers on letters, wrapping gifts well, that sort of thing. I have yet to drag out all my paints, brushes and supplies and set up an art station again. I think its time.
*****
I did the long hike down the bluff this morning with the puppers. We got a later start, but I realized doing the hike even late morning still was cool enough due to the shade of the trees and how the bluff is situated according to the sun.
It took about 90 minutes all around. I wasn't quite sure how to do the loop so I just went down and back to close to the bottom on the same trail.
Our friends have been doing that hike with their full packs on to get ready for the hike which I think is a marvelous idea. So I got my frame pack out and put about 15# in to start. It felt good to be walking with it in town, not just on the trail in BC.
On the way back up, I got pretty tired. It was already about 75 degrees, and I felt the old tapes start about how I'm always the slowest and every one else is so much faster and in such better shape than me.
I haven't put healthy self talk into use much in this area, especially when I think of Snip and Snap, the two voices me and my friend have in our heads. I told Snap to eff-off, and that I sure didn't see her on the trail by my side or anywhere.
The other thing that was even more helpful was to envision that I was the strongest in my group, not the weakest. I imagined the rest of the group was poisoned and couldn't move, were staying down by the creek. They needed me to get up the hill to get some help. I was poisoned too, but was the strongest one so I had to slowly just keep walking.
I was shocked at the difference that made in my attitude about getting up the hill. I stopped less and just slowed down so I could keep moving. I also told myself over and over that I am strong, I'm alive and healthy and I'm loved. This is how my life looks right now with all those things in play and it's a good life.
It really is about perspective. I'm grateful for the changes.
*****
I'm sitting at work, collaborating with Jay on the space and furniture project.
I don't know what I'm going to do next with my life. I know I've been and continue to do things of value each day. I'm tired of worrying and feeling bad about what's next. I'm doing activities that will help provide some clarity. So eff-off once again, Snap.
*****
Friday night in the summer. I suggested we go find a place to watch the sunset. We went up a nearby smallish mountain full of housing developments. We found a side street, parked our car and watched the show.
It was fun watching it unfold with the car radio on in the background. The vistas of a sunset display much differently than if you're watching it overhead. Perspective is everything, as they say.
I am tired of Snap telling me all the time that my life is lame, that I need to go to more concerts and be edgier. I had such a revelation on the road to Red Mt. this week. I'm the one who controls my view of my actual life. I interpret events through a filter that is largely of my making. Life may not give you many options regarding who you are and where you're born, but it's up to me to shape my perception of those givens.
So instead of my brain being locked in frustration and anger, I'm just doing a lot more sitting and observing, thinking about options or not doing much at all. I'm getting a lot done, but I'm letting go of the stress of not feeling good about my own life or planning what's next.
I decided that today actually, that I'm going to keep working hard and pursuing options for a future career, but not put insane pressure on myself. I'm just now coming out of this depression; I need to ease into this next phase with thoughtfulness, research, and especially divine guidance and instinct. I'm hoping as I continue to step into things, the path will become more clear.