KT texted and said she no longer needs to use our Netflix account. Her new phone plan includes access to Netflix. I keep thinking we have our lives disconnected in all these ways but there are little things here and there that still pop up. I kind of like it. I like that we've been connected in all these small ways, and I'm okay things are changing.
I remember when she contacted me and said she was switching banks. She remembers really clearly going up to the bank and getting her account. All of our accounts were linked, and it made it easy to transfer money here and there. It turned out to not be the bank she wanted to use, so we lost that. Mainly, she wanted to remember the story together and mourn a little. I'm glad she did. They are small connections but meaningful ones. I'm grateful she's aware of the change and cares enough to talk about it.
*****
I'm sitting here looking at a few old matchbooks. One is from a restaurant in Seattle, the other from a place in Alabama. I'm assuming it's from my Dad, but I don't know.
All I know is I had an obsession for years with recording events in any way possible. I don't fully understand why. Maybe someday I'll figure that one out too. Years ago I sort of woke up, and I stopped collecting the pins, the menus, the extra business cards, apparently the matchbooks, all of it except my daily journal papers.
Insanity, that's what it feels like I walked away from. Or just a lost life. A life where you end up with collections that you never pick up and enjoy. Collections that pile up and fill your life with something they can't provide.
They've gone by the wayside of the boxes of things from all these relatives.
*****
We drove home from Canada today. We were talking about bike rides we've done of which my list is very few due to all the pelvic pain. We did do one last year, and I could hardly remember the details. Didn't we go out by the river? How did I have a bike to ride? I realized again that my memory was compromised for a few years. Stress does that to you.
*****
I felt anxious last night and again this evening for no reason. I realized I think it was my new strapless bra putting too much pressure on my sternum sitting down in the evening. Our bodies are just incredible and strange and beautiful. I'm glad I figured it out though.
*****
Along with the anxiety, I am pondering my future. My ego wants me to keep looking for things to blame, things to be scared of, reasons I can't move ahead or do anything significant (I initially wrote reasons "we" can't move ahead... scary) . I'm slowly just refusing to do that. I'm just refusing to keep complaining and finding new things that aren't problems to worry and be sad about. My health issues are resolving and so are my worst mental health challenges. I can choose gratitude or continue on a path of denial and avoidance.
*****
I'm slowly finding how being close and sexual again can feel. It goes along with the gratitude and refusing to only see what's broken and wrong. It's happening slowly but it's happening.
I'm beginning to wonder about the boundary issues, my constant problem-solving. I started solving problems I didn't fully understand when I was nine or ten. Maybe it feels more normal for me to be stressed and busy than not. I don't fully understand it, but old habits don't die easily. I am determined to change.
*****
After spending two days in the mountains, it's clear I need to be careful how much thinking I do, how much alone time. I can see how you can become neurotic, that the thoughts just swirl and you have thoughts about thoughts. As my mind becomes more clear, i want to keep it in balance with staying connected with people especially.