We headed to Canada today. I spent much of the time on our drive reflecting back on the years we've spent coming up here. We started in the late 90's. I kindof discovered it when looking for places to get away for a long weekend and not go more than three hours or so from Spokane. It was like, oh, Canada! There you are, just across the border.
We started with XC skiing and did a little downhill here and there. We've come with friends a few times and the kids a few times as well. Primarily it's been a place just for us to get away.
We did the Centennial Trail walk from the Ram's Head down to the end of the reservoir then back. The puppers loves it and it's one of our favorite walks with her. She knows alot of the way even though we only do it a few times a year. She's so freaking smart.
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I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't feel haunted by my parents. They are living in their apartment with my stepdad's kids. They spend time mainly just poking around their apartment and driving to errands. I guess when you're their age, that isn't too bad? They are happy to be still driving around and independent in that way.
This whole thing with the linens and the dressers, my parents lifestyle, it makes me want to run away. Being in BC just reinforces that. Maybe I think Mom cares less about time with me than I think. We're so incredibly different. I wish, I wish I was free from it. It seems better than before I started therapy, but it's not gone. Yeah, it's better, that's for sure.
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On our walk today, I felt frustrated at how much we talked about business on the way up here. It seems we live in some kind of surreal state where we can't quite break through and make things significantly different. I started to get really frustrated with John.
THEN.
Then for once, I decided I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to ruin our trip up here with my expectations and frustrations with what's happening with the business. I just didn't.
I tried a little curious observer stance in the car. Why are you so frustrated? Why are you so bugged by how Jay is handling things with this employee and all these other issues. Look at all that he's doing and be happy about that. Besides, if you want things to be different, you need to do something, not just complain to him.
That helped. I said the first couple of steps a few times: I admitted I am powerless over my addiction to blaming others for my unhappiness, and my life has become unmanageable. Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
I do need to take responsibility for my own life, my own actions, my own future. Am I doing the same thing my Mom has done which I've found so difficult to accept? Just defaulting to someone else to have them make the decisions that affect your life the most?
Yeah, maybe I've done some of that.
I'm trying to take more control over my life, my future, my choices, my freedom. I think I'm doing an okay job. The exercise, better eating, writing consistently, getting shit done around the house. I don't know how it will all end up. Being some place like this reminds me of how much I love mountain culture. Sometimes I wish I was free to do more random things like working on a ski hill for a season or in a warm climate, the whole ski bum thing. I never had time to do that. I went straight to marriage and kids.
I'm ready for some selfish years. I don't want a house with a lot of maintenance. I want to be outside as much as possible, write, maybe get back into art, help lead something with some of my skills. I don't know how it'll all come together. Maybe look at Peak 7 or something like that. Who knows?
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We drove by the turnoff for the lake we used to go to every Fourth with the kids. We have friends with a cabin there. They'd invite us out along with a few other people and some extended family. With the kids moving on, it's changed and isn't quite our scene for the day.
We like being here on the Fourth. We don't miss the crowds. The puppers doesn't get stressed with the fireworks. We like it. It's nice to do what you want.
Sometimes, I'm shocked at how intense and uptight we both can be. We sure have been deep into our own thoughts and shit. I wish we were easier on each other and ourselves.
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My issues are my own. My challenges in any of the relationships with the kids or friends, they're my issues. What's happening in my life? Do I like it? Yes? No? I think I should think less and just accept more the reality of the good and ugly of my life. Quit fighting it. I've made mistakes. I'm way too uptight. That's on me to change. No one else. No one else.