I woke up feeling good, but tired. Legs tired, like I'd run a marathon.
I actually did go running yesterday, something that landed me on a massage table by 5:00 yesterday.
My left side is a mess of scar tissue from four pelvic surgeries that created radiating issues across my left hip and side. Yesterday, I was in full-on spasm mode.
I wasn't concerned or depressed. I just knew I needed to do something. I went to see a massage therapist and he said with several months of weekly massages, the scar tissue could be worked out and resolved. That's the kind of news I was hoping for. A plan.
It means more pain, time and money, but it's my reality and pointless to fight it.
It feels good to accept my current reality each day and have the flexibility to rest in it. I don't have anything pressing I have to do like plan a wedding or relocate my Mom. I can keep healing, and I'll take it one day at a time. It's better than being angry or believing my life is being shortened by this particular path I'm on. It's foolish to look at others and wish I had their life. My life is today, in this body, with these thoughts and emotions that keep being healed and changed.
I am working now on the 2015 photo album. I just finished 2017 and 2016 was done a while ago. I was pretty triggered looking through the photos from that year. That's the year I saw Sister Gee every month, the year I accepted how angry and unhappy I was and started trying to do something about it.
I felt my heart squeeze looking at some of the photos, seeing the pain just behind my eyes and feeling sad for her, knowing what was coming. I wish I could have stopped it. I wish it could have been different.
Saying that though is like wishing for winter not to come. I've experienced much of the breadth of the human condition. I haven't been spared. I don't know what it all means, but I'm not hiding or have been withdrawn from all that can happen in one's life. I just wish it was different.
I'm glad my own life is changing and hopefully, those days of deepest psychic darkness are over. I'm gaining a different perspective on life and on what it means to be human.
*****
I have no idea why I'm so exhausted today. I'm shaking and off. Yesterday I was running. It doesn't really make sense.
It could be all the lactic acid from the massage last night. I took the salt bath like he and others have suggested. I could be dehydrated. don't really know.
I was thinking that maybe someday, there'll be some kind of tool, like a digital thermometer, that you could run across your skin, and it will tell you what's wrong. Lactic acid overload, need more iron, need more sleep, need more protein, carbs, etc. Right now, it's always a juggling act, trying to figure what level to pull.
I don't want to nap so I pushed myself to do some shopping. Got two pair of shorts, a new sports bra, two shirts and new flips. It took about 3 hours total, and I'm even more exhausted, but man if feels amazing. These are the regular practices that I have not ever had, at least since I was in high school when I was more on top of my clothes. Something accumulated over time to where I don't feel I deserve that, to spend the time or money. That, and I get overstimulated shopping, especially in big stores. Today I was able to focus on just a few things and get it done. I'm proud of myself but had to resist the urge to think of all my friends working today. I wish I could work and have the energy to do these things at other times. Not my reality yet. No guilt.
I thought again today about the idea of being disabled and unable to work full-time. I know I look normal. My photo albums all show me looking normal. I'm glad I took a few photos showing my face puffy with dark circles. That would be hard to accept, to be truly unable to ever work again. I don't think that's my future, but I know people have things happen to them that move them from health to unhealth. They're as shocked by it as I am now, I imagine. Never could have seen it coming.
Two years ago, I was sleeping all afternoon, most days. Today I'm hefting my backpack around on training walks and hikes, getting ready for our big hike this weekend. I have to keep remembering to walk before I run. I always struggle with that.
Time w/ friends this evening was nice and good, needed balance to all my thinking and processing. I also just looked up funny videos and watched those for a while. I'm too serious, and Kay has told me that repeatedly.
Balance, balance.