I crafted a survival program that served me semi-well for a couple of decades. I experienced pretty extreme mood swings, between hyper-energy and cranky depression and anxiety.
I found the hyperactivity to be quite energizing while it lasted. You felt like you were getting a lot done, your mood was up, you were seeing people and doing things.
In reality, a crash would regularly come with all that went with that: frustration at everyone for not responding to my flurries, frustration with life/myself, the aftermath of too many projects started, too many relationships engaged that were unsustainable, etc. I would say my traumatized brain found this as somewhat of a manageable way to cope with life.
As the depression fades, I'm finding there can still be a pull to ramping up a manic side of life even though I don't necessarily feel the need as it came from feeling unsafe and unmoored. Daily habits are stabilizing my life, but I'm finding there is a desire to get hyper-productive about even that, to ramp it up and have perfect routines and rhythms. In other words, continue to focus on doing and not just being, even if the new activities are healthier than my previous distracted chaos.
*****
Jay's counselor often reminds Jay that he has car keys. He can do and be what he wants now. He doesn't have to live a shielded, guarded life if he doesn't want to. He has the skills to heal and to change.
I've thought about that today as my hip has flared up again. I also thought about the Alan Watts quote I read again, that life isn't really a journey with a destination. It's supposed to be about dancing while the music is playing.
I got through the burn on my foot without too much trouble. I managed the weird stuff going on with my ear and jaw okay. Now, I'll keep plugging along and manage the ongoing hip issues until they're resolved, and we're on our way.
It's helped a lot to know that today, to not feel like a victim. I have tools that I can use to fix my issues. It's not what I want to be dealing with today, but I do have resources to help solve the problem.
It's made a big difference in how I feel about my hip and myself. I don't want to be frustrated or angry, victimized. It's hard for me, and it's hard to be around me when I'm like that. It's nice I have a choice.
KT returned from a weekend kayak camping trip which sounds pretty amazing. I'm glad she had the weekend out-of-town as they ended up with bed bugs from a frame she bought for their bed. I realized last night that I'm okay a lot of the times now with not being around my kids all the time. I have to make choices, sort of like what I decided about the house. I can't be split all the time, trying to do house projects and write. So I picked.
Right now, we are trying to rebuild our lives and heal. We are gaining from the focused time on ourselves and trying to build new communities. I hope someday we live around them again, but right now it seems good for all of us to be forming ourselves and who we all are in this new season of life.
I also strangely don't feel anxious that we're being left out or forgotten. I'm remembering all the things they do to show us how much they love us. I am choosing to believe those actions and not keep second-guessing. Fear and neediness just leads to reactivity and overreaching. No one needs it.
*****
I definitely had a productive day today with extenstive streaks of writing. I also took breaks and just felt my body being more relaxed even while I was working. We're addicted to being stressful. We feel if we aren't stressed, we aren't getting anything done. It's kind of crazy. I can feel it in myself. Anyone who has a more casual approach or body posture, I automatically assume they aren't living on the edge, getting a lot done.
It's a disease of our culture, one of the dozens of ways of thinking and being I'm trying to change. I'm glad I didn't give my whole life to this all of these years at least. I can look back on a life of integrity and devotion to people, trying to do right by them. I went too far into that, haven't taken care of myself, but there could have been a wake of destruction behind me instead of a great deal of life.