Saturday we did a long hike for training with friends then hit up some coffee. I'm a little nervous about the hike in like I always am. I hope my training will make a difference. The last two years have been awful in terms of how long it's taken and how painful it was. But I made it.
No one really has known how bad my exhaustion has been, and I haven't really wanted any one to know. I haven't even understood it myself. I guess I didn't want to talk about it and have people try and help me or try and figure it out for me. I need to remember that. How key it is to just be there for people and not try and fix their problems.
So yeah, maybe I've cared some about how people view me, but I've continued to do it. I guess with what I've been dealing with, I'm proud of myself for not stopping.
After our training hike, we decided to head to CdA and try a canoe ride with the dog. We didn't want to leave her home for the entire day. We lasted about an hour in the canoe. She didn't like it which we figured but it was worth trying. We'd planned to go much longer than that, but it didn't work out. The water was also super choppy.
We then tried to find shade for the car and leave the dog in the car so we could get in some beach time. That also didn't work. I could tell Jay was on tilt from too much change, so we bailed. On the way home, we stopped at Embers and had dinner. Then we checked out Hauser Lake and discovered the beach there. It's a beautifully maintained public beach and cool to see so many people out and about. Like an article I read years ago, immigrant families tend to really use the parks and beaches that are public. Lots of people all together and then us who've accululated more wealth so to speak, we isolate ourselves off from other people and are more alone or just with a few people. It's kind of fascinating to observe.
I came home and read then fell asleep for a few hours, then went to bed early. I haven't done that in a long time.
So today I feel off. That was a lot for me coming out of recovery though I guess it shouldn't be. I'm tired today and i don't want to be. I'd like to get some things done, get back to my writing class for example and keep writing.
I felt anxious about several topics and Jay and I had a long talk about hard things: our house, food, what we do with free time. He doesn't like how our house is laid out and doesn't want to be here much. He likes eating out and doesn't have plans to change that.
He feels part of his identity is to not be okay any longer with things that are broken and need fixing. He has car keys; he wants things to change. Last Sunday, we bought our car. Today, I'm tired. I've been pushing myself in every area.
I guess I'm sad to some degree. I'm sad this is where we are at 52. I feel like we've accomplished much but have so far to go. I'm sad Jay doesn't want to be in our house, our home. It makes sense why I guess. He doesn't like how it's laid out. He doesn't like the furniture. He doesn't feel its comfortable. In a way, it feels like it's a rejection of my life but that's not really true. I've just spent hundreds of hours trying to keep the place just what it is. It feels like he's always wanted it to be different, but I didn't see how that was even possible. He hasn't even cared how he's looked; he has all these things he doesn't like about this place and yet, he's been incredibly dysfunctional. He's had these impossible standards, but I've been trying to make what we have better. It doesn't seem like it's made a dent for him at all, so I guess it's all for me and for the kids.
He mentioned today that he wouldn't feel comfortable asking his bio family if they were in the area. I understand that and agree. We have kind of a broken house and a broken life in many ways. We invested in our kids and people. We were broken and that's sort of all we had. We didn't have anything left for ourselves, obviously. I made an effort to invest in the house to make it at least better than it was. It hurts to hear that none of it seems to matter to him. A big part of the reason it is what is it now, as good as it is, is me. I'm the one that did it. He helped on the basement and redid that. That's it.
This has all just hit me pretty hard. We can't substantially change things without some kind of plan and additional revenue. So here we are. I've decided to back off on house stuff until my writing is more stable. It drives me crazy but I just can't do it all.
I'm tired today and exhausted in some way I don't fully understand. I think I need a break from the exercise and training. I'm sad about some of this stuff with Jay and our marriage, just how hard it is to climb out of this whole we dug. I went out to go on a run and just didn't have it so came home. I watched some TV. Ate. I don't have much motivation to do anything. I'd like to do something fun like go to a lake, but I'm tired. Maybe I could lay at a lake or river somewhere. That'd be nice and would feel like I was doing something.
I wouldn't say I'm super depressed, but I'm definitely down and definitely sad. I'm trying to be a curious observer and really try to figure out what is driving it. That's helping. I'm realizing this is all touching on some deep beliefs that still need attention.
*****
Just talked w/ my aunt once again about our family and her family of orign. I'm grateful I've landed in a place where I can honor my mom for all she did for me and also have boundaries. She is regularly unstable mentally and emotionally and doesn't have systems in place to make that any better. It's stressful to engage with that.
I have wanted my whole life for her to be happier and better. I've been able to be present and celebrate her life, but I don't know that I've moved the needle on happiness for her much.
Those are big shoes to fill, and I've accepted that the best thing I can do for all of us is to be me. To be happy, to live my life, to have boundaries that make her think and keep me safe. It isn't what I would want for her and selfishly, it's tiring for me. Mainly, I just wish she was happier.
*****
Jay and I had several conversations on and off today. I would say I wasn't triggered and angry but various things happened that made me think. I really was able today to step back and look at what I was feeling and why. I am slowly, changing sort of microscopically slow I guess. I did a lot of curious observer and tried to figure out what I felt anxious. I felt anxious several times, especially after trying to go on a run and just didn't have any energy.
Reviewing my notes at the library helped this week, to go through the session with Kathy on really finding the emotion in your body and observing that, trying to find the core of what it's coming from. Anxiety today was from pushing myself too hard, not knowing how to relax in general, anxiety about this party for Jay's Mom, comments Jay made this morning and just general life processing and exhaustion. I'm probably overwhelmed about the hike coming up even though I'm more prepared than ever. It alway sets me off and hits my worst fears and insecurities about being out of shape or different.
Weekends without plans can make me espeically anxious as I don't know what the hell I'm doing next in life which is a lie but feels true. I saw some friends online today going kayaking and though, "They just went kayaking. They made their own fun. They called friends and just did it. That's still how it works. There's no one out there that can make your life feel more meaningful or enriched, make you feel more included. It's all on you."
These are sadly still some new skills I'm learning as I shift from kid-activities and family activities to me-focused time. I didn't focus on myself as a kid, young adult, etc. and then with kids, I focused on them. I'm glad I did much of that, but I did too much. Now I am learning all this for the first time in some ways. I've taken some small steps all along and Jay has always pushed me to do those things. It's coming and as that comes and the trauma/triggers go down, I can tell I will be less reactive overall and more available emotionally for people.
*****
One thing my aunt said today that was sobering: divorce is awful. No one really talks about how awful it is. You can't bear to be with this person any longer but you miss them.
I'm glad we're making it, and getting through our darkest days. I'm glad we got to the point where we both had to change more than we had before.
I feel like I'm finally growing up in some key areas. I'm choosing to no longer be a victim. I'm choosing to be more responsible with my renewed energy to have habits and better practices again. I'm not going to try and just be like someone else; I need to figure out what it looks like to be a healthy me, the first time that's been truly possible.
Highlights:
- Alot more writing
- Sun and warmth
- Disciplines
- Honoring my mother-in-law's birthday
Next week:
- Hiking prep
- Stay focused on writing and habits
- RELAX
Colfax, WA