Sometimes lyrics from a song can say just what you mean or need.
From Jars of Clay, Work on their Good Monsters album:
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work
Kay said this week that she feels I'm done recovering. Now, it's discerning and continuing to heal and rebuild.
Today, I didn't set an alarm and woke up at 7:30. I have some routines now: stretch, water, workout, water the garden, eat, work. There isn't anything really sexy about it all, but it's healthy. It's the breathing that's taking all this work.
One of the fears that came up in my EMDR session is how many people in my family have checked out. Two have just literally "taken to their beds" as they say and the other has checked out with magical thinking. All had trauma of some kind, all had/have difficult personalities.
That's not my future. I just called a person at work and had a question to ask them about their work performance. I was a little nervous, but it also shed light on the situation. It was appropriate. I didn't shrink back from the conflict and was better for it.
So living and breathing can be unsexy and hard. It's easier sometimes to be sick or unable to take care of yourself. Others have to do it for you, or you wallow in your mess. You for sure aren't giving back, and you're draining the energy around you.
Sometimes, it's unavoidable. Sometimes it's an attitude.
*****
I left my phone at work yesterday afternoon.
I spent the evening last night and this morning without it.
I picked it up around 10:30 and deleted the Instagram app off it while standing in the library.
I've tried all kinds of things to get my phone use under control. Not alot has worked. I think that will help quite a bit, and already I feel freer today and even last night. Some people can handle it all; I'm not one that can.
I was going to go get it last night, and Jay suggested I try and go an evening without it. He's so much less judgmental towards me than I am of him.
*****
We went out for dinner at a funky tequila spot w/ awesome tapas. Then we headed to REI to pick up some things specifically for the hike. It was 8:30. I said I'm not going home on a Friday night at 8:30. Next we grabbed dessert and drinks at a brewery in a district on the lower hill. Playful, Kay said. We need to be more playful, less seriousness. I'm all about that. It was a wonderful evening, because we relaxed, were together, immersed ourselves in our life together and in a few communities, and we connected. We're healing.