The processing continues.
We continue to work out who is leaving and who is staying at work. I continue to try and heal and change with therapy and practices.
I could feel the change starting slowly, really creeping in about three years ago I’d say. I started looking forward to dinner. A lot. I started wondering where we’d eat, when it became obvious we had just stopped even trying to eat at home. I wondered what kind of drink I’d get. I’d spend the day on and off doing that and starting to freak out about it. Who does this. Maybe if I’m 85 and unable to move, I’ll think about food and meals exclusively. Not yet. This isn’t good. I’m completely healthy, vibrant, 50 years old and I’m pondering meal choices.
When I’m eating the meal, it’s about what’s next. Where will we eat next. What about tomorrow. How will this compare to what we’ll have tomorrow at that Italian place. This is craziness. It's a distraction. It's the unhealthy, crazy thinking Rohr talked about.
It is finally dawning on me that one of the psychic disconnects I can’t quiet down is I’m not happy. I’m not living my life because I’m not present. It had started out as being the victim of abuse at home and then the unpredictable chaos of an Aspergers marriage. Slowly it just became it’s own thing; a substitute.
How many other small crutches have I built up… thrifting for sure, the eating out, drinking, being online, collecting things. Just a lot of numbing out to try and hide the pain. I don't know where this will end up, honestly. I know naming this and accepting this is the first step.
I haven't wanted to believe I was this unhappy. I haven't wanted to believe that. It fills me with considerable dread as I don't know fully what to do about it other than what I'm already trying to do. My hope is, these actions will lead me somewhere better or at least somewhere where I will know what to do if these things don't work.
I thought alot about Easter over the weekend, what it all means. With all this pain, the faith of my childhood would be silent. The faith I heard discussed at the conference had substance, hope.
The Jesus tradition was always about transformation, not beliefs. It wasn't supposed to be an exclusive belief system. I don't know how he could have made that more clear. It wasn't supposed to be worshipped; it was supposed to be practiced.
I have hope that my practices and a changed view of myself will lend themselves to my slow healing and change process. I hope as I get healthier, the pathway toward happiness will be more clear at least.
I don't know what will happen with the relationships around me as I search for greater fulfillment in life. A lot could change; nothing could change.
I need to change. My soul needs to be rescued from its way of feeling and believing. My mind needs to be rescued from its way of thinking and perceiving.
Yeah, I need to be saved.
The core of the true teachings of Jesus would lend themselves to that kind of healing. Love others as you love yourself. Think on things that are lovely. Don't worry. You are divine and created in the image of God.
Wrapping practices and a way of life around these things, that's the challenge. My routines and ways of thinking are sick and need help. I keep trying to stay open, do the practices and let the changes slowly come.