I still don't have a lot of feelings in common situations. I don't quite know what to do about that.
I smile a lot and show up and appear normal for the most part. I know the energy I used to have isn't there yet. I move slowly, not quick movements. I hope someday that all changes and goes back to at least what I used to have or maybe even something better or different. Sex or sexual feelings are sort of nonexistent.
I do things that I know could be fun or are worse than being home alone. I just don't feel much when I do good things. My friends don't pester me about it. No one is bugging me, constantly asking me how I am. People also haven't abandoned me. It's possible it's because I'm pretending well, but I know some friends can tell.
I think that would be worse if people just asked me all the time how I was. It's a balance, to not be too disinterested and not to pester.
Remember that.
Right now, this feels like partly what I'm coming out of and partly what still isn't resolved in my life with my own sense of purpose and my relationship with Jay. As I write this, those are big, big things. It's no wonder it's progressing slowly.
I won't give up what I'm doing to improve but also am hoping new things pop up that can help the journey. I don't know what else to do other than continue to take steps toward health with the specific choices I've made toward activities I hope will be healing.
I can't believe how tiring it is to be depressed and also be doing things you aren't sure will help you. I hope someday I look back on this and feel proud of how I didn't give up. Right now, doesn't feel that courageous or inspiring. Just hard and bleak and lonely.