Good day, hard day. Walked bridges downtown w/ Jay which was cool. Had anxiety today because hands and feet are super tingly so freaked out. Vit D deficiency? Prediabetic?? Lack of water? Stress?
Ugh. I just don’t want another physical issue to deal with.
Cleaning out bookcases has been weird. Just finished the religion section. Got rid of almost all reference books and a lot of others. Pared it down a lot. Feels strange somehwat I guess. I am changing a lot. What am I going to? I have had so much pain. Reading stuff of my Dad’s feels prophetic, what I have been fighting against myself. He never overcame his worst demons that kept him in bed. He talked about getting out and doing things, not hiding. He hid a lot. I don’t want to hide. Sometimes it’s tempting. I don’t know why. I’m glad I’m not that much like him but it’s there lurking a bit.
I hope someday I feel more stable and these bad days and years are a memory. I hope I don’t forget how hard it was and how hard it’s been. I just hope I can now move ahead to do something with my life that is creative and not just buying gifts for people, cataloguing my days in hopes of mining it later for stories, cleaning, organizating, making photo albums. I love doing all that and always have but I have also very successfully used it to avoid creating. I am trying to face that once and for all and slowly make strides. I can tell I’m getting strongly physically and mentally, losing some inches around my belly. I wish we had sex. Maybe someday that will come back to. It feels like such a huge hill to climb. So many things to fix that feel broken.
At least my spirit doesn’t feel broken any longer. I don’t feel as broken most days, that hollow feeling of depression that I numbed out with drinking and shopping and sleeping. I understand why people do drugs. I’m glad I never did that.
My biggest fear still… that I will never truly live. That I will just exist and do some cool things here and there, but never see my real potential. So far, I have done well with what has been handed to me in life w/o a lot of choices. I haven’t made a lot of big moves or goals before. I’ve been terrified. I don’t even know how you do that. My Dad went to bed. He was terrified of life. Terrified. He could barely get out of bed. Seeing those letters in his Bible tonight was sobering. My Mom just tried to keep her life together and our family together, keep us moving along. And yeah, she was unhappy. She existed too. She reacted and just tried to do what she had to do.
What does it mean to be a good person when these things happen. What does it mean to not give up. When you have kids, it’s all about them. I have a rare chance to still try and do something for myself. I am 50. I am free to some degree. If I had to, I could sell some stuff and do the things I’ve dreamed of. Although I don’t even fully know what those are. I sometimes think of drama and acting. I think of comedy and writing and playing an instrument in some folk stuff. I wish I was more cool I guess and sort fo felt better about myself overall.
The physical ailments made functioning only a huge part of my life the last two decades as well. It’s incredible that is gone. Like my surgeon said, my form of endometriosis was like cancer. So I’ve missed a lot of living. I’ve done a lot of good living too in the midst of it all. I have been able to travel quite a bit. Our family is wonderful. We have a small house that’s comfortable. We’re still married.
I’d like to get some stuff figured out with our business, get it stable and get people more inspired and motivated. I wish we had someone that could do that better than we can. I'm not sure that person is Jay. I think he wants it to be. I want to believe it can be him. Right now, I don't know.
God, I wish you could just tell me what to do. I’m glad for the discernment exercises and centering prayer. I’m glad for new ways to hear from you. I'm trying to listen to myself and watch nature. I don't know what's next, but I won't give up.
Tomorrow we leave for Albuquerque for a Richard Rohr event. I'm excited and expectant. I'm ready to keep learning and changing.