Thoughts from 30,000 feet. We flew out to the Trinity conference sponsored by the Center for Action and Contemplation in Albuquerque. We're going the two of us this time and with a good friend. The event's main speakers are Richard Rohr, Cynthia Bourgeault and Paul Young.
I feel like a hot mess right now. I am trying to make these really significant changes and under stress, feel myself slipping back into old ways of thinking. My body also is going sort of crazy as I lose weight, stop drinking and try to eat better in general. So yeah. Oh, work is crazy stressful as usual. All kinds of big changes, mistake made, attempts to correct and change, people/staffing, etc.
Some of the things I’ve done in the past that are changing: think always of the most negative thought possible in the situation (I suck); be focused on one distraction after another to self-soothe throughout the day; not be contemplative but live more reacting and responding based on events of the day and how my head seems to be in any given moment; negative about other people; fatalistic; feling the need to constantly control things.
Have been meditating lately on the phrase God gave me years ago: “Let me run the company.” What does that mean? A few things it is showing to mean; let Jay do his job, stop trying to help him or fix things; he is doing way better at many things than I ever have. Believe God is at work on the whole thing; and again, let it be God’s thing and Jay’s thing; stay engaged but less broad and more focused on what I enjoy or was actually good at;
It is hard when the stuff at work really dysregulates me in a major, major way. People will probably lose their jobs, people that are nice, friendly, good working people. And we’ll be the ones to do that. I just have a hard time being around people and then knowing I’m going to fire someone.
I think I am in a transition phase of some kind. I have done enough of the centering prayer and meditation now to have a little vibe of what it’s like. I am really, really tired at times. I also am really hungry. I wonder if this is all connected.
Now am in bed in the hotel. It has been a hard week. I am not in a deep depression. My mind seems stronger. The you suck thoughts seem to be gone. It was so exhausting for so long to fight that, to try and settle that down. So that’s good. So now, I am realizing, if I’m frustrated, I have to find other ways to resolve my frustration as the depression isn’t there pulling me down into a pity party or just a cycle of depression. The depression would suck me in and it was sort of all over until things would resolve sometime down the road.
Now I have choices. I have choices on how to respond to my frustration, feelings of helplessness in the our work situation, frustration about my future, my health, the kids, family, etc. I have to make grown up choices about my attitude and make a new way of thinking and being.
That’s something I hope to gain by being here at the event. I will say that I’m growing weary of all of the growth work. That along with the stress of work. I’m tired. I wish it was going faster but I think of where I was last year and it’s astounding the difference. I was starting to fall apart at this time last year and the adrenal fatigue was setting in. I was unable to keep going and had never had that happen before.
So I am hoping that I can absorb all of this okay, and not sort of shut down. I’d like to make sure my brain is engaged and really get to know our friend who is along better.
That’s one of the thigns about depression that has been so hard is it robs you of where you are in the moment. I remember so many times where I’d eat with people or be with people and I was unable to be present; I was so uptight inside. My brain is definitely calmer than it used to be, so I hope that allows me to relax and enjoy the time with her and Jay.
I feel so fucked up and went so long being so unhappy. I sometimes wonder if I broke something that won’t get fixed. Sometimes I don’t even know what to get back to or how to seek something better going forward. I hope I can find it out there.
I'm ready to keep learning and be amongst people where I don't feel so crazy for my beliefs. I remember the city as being warm and full of the art and energy of the indigenous tribes in the area. It feels like one of the few places in the continental US where that is the reality. My area has washed all that away and tribes live on their reservations. Their art and influence is only in small pockets.
This feels like a place where you can learn and embrace something different. It doesn't feel like where I live, and I can consider new things and ideas. I'm with people I love and that love me, and we can explore with excitement and safety together, feel our souls stretched together.
On we go.