Today was really hard. This was a long weekend as well. I have not felt great. The stress of work is overpowering. We have sloppy stuff everywhere. After all these years, we aren’t even doing some of these basics okay. It feels awful. I feel awful about it. It’s made me question all of my involvement and activities at work and what I’ve ever done to help at all.
I used to have a lot more confidence in what I did. Mostly now, I just keep my mouth shut. It’s too overwhelming. I need to get back to doing something that I want to learn about, become an expert in, become better at. Right now, I just keep shooting from the hip and offering advice not knowing if it’s helpful or not. I try and support Jay because it supports our income and health insurance.
I saw Kay today. My brain felt tired and offline. She was really great. I can’t imagine feeling good about what I do. My whole life feels like a hot mess right now. I’m so tired of the instability and the reacting. I react to things. I don’t feel like I can plan. It was awful today to realize that another key staff member is frustrated with what is happening with her job. I feel like we’ve let her down. I just feel out of control about this business and everything. My brain feels so triggered and hot and tired and confused. My soul feels a little more calm with the centering prayer but overall I am angry somewhat I guess at how long this all keeps taking. Years just keep drifting by and it feels chaotic. Maybe that’s why I put up with it. Because I grew up with chaos, I assume we can’t have stability.
Jay said he can’t do this if I question what he’s doing. That’s true and would be impossible. I just can’t be much a part of these discussions. It’s too painful and I mostly hate it all. I feel triggered. It’s not positive for me in terms of energy. I don’t know what to do anymore. He has to make it happen. It’s his business. He feels really betrayed by our senior leaders that just left. He continues to have people betray him. We just keep having this awful reoccurring nightmare of betrayal and incompetence. God, will this end ever. Are we cursed…. Am I cursed?
Kay said to remember the last two weeks I’ve had that have been really good, where I’ve done my centering prayer and the Pray As You go. To remember believing that God said let me run the company. That this isn’t my battle to fight. I feel sick trying to change and find peace somewhere, anywhere, that doesn’t have conflict. I am probably experiencing for the first time what it is to not be in a fight or flight situation. Two weeks of that and now I feel like I’m back at square one. Well, not square one. But it is tough. It makes me feel like something… not really a failure. Not like quitting. I don’t know what it is this feeling of just arriving or changing so late in life. I guess I have an unrealistic expectation of what life should look like.
Generally, I look forward to therapy days, but it's work as well as a break from regular life.
Key points: the sympathetic system activates us; the parasympathetic deactivates us. I've had two good weeks now in developing new neuropathways. I can access that and remember that. Be aware of positive state of mind and reinforce with tapping and walking. Both stimulate the left/right sides of the brain.
Project into the future best case scenario. Can I envision the future? God talks through body; nurture self and also nurture others but be in balance. Take the Enneagram and finalize that. Old ways of being will feel less and less like “who I am.” Put trauma in the past, empower current state of mind over past. Choose to believe I'm no longer being traumatized and instead move forward. Detach from other people’s views and results.
The drive was fine, and it's always worth it to spend time w/ Kay and learn. Applying is the hard part but getting there.