Yucky day at work with meetings, and discussing a key employee leaving. Did have good earlier time to meditate.
In the story of Moses and the golden cafe, I envisioned myself as someone at the foot of the idol worshipping, confident of my decision to go it alone, to find my own god, to solve problems in a new way, not wait for divine guidance or answers, not seek and listen, and then work. Just do it… we’re independent now. We’re free of these crazy constraints of rulers and prophets and guides. We don’t need to observe nature or have covenants or guidelines.
I could see myself doing all of that as I repeated the First Step: I am powerless over my addiction to my own way of thinking and my life has become unmanageable.
I could see it all happen 2500 years ago because I do it today. Life becomes too challenging so I check out and find diversions. I stop meditating. I drink more. I distract through screens. I shop more. I get angry, defensive. I thrash out at slights and perceived injustices. I eat too much. I stop exercising. I forget habits or patterns of health. I disconnect from real people. In short, I descend.
I envisioned the party at the foot of the calf and then as these things go, I envisioned the calf being tipped over. I envision a group of party-goers thinking that’d be a great idea, to make it a true spectacle. I see myself trapped under the calf and not only is the calf not helping, no one around me is either, so excited are they by this new deconstruction. We don’t even need a calf! Who said we need idols! We only need the moment! Let’s melt it back down again and drink it!
As I lay there, I look over and see God standing there crying. Tears streaming down his/her face. And I begin to cry too. I realize what I’ve left and I realize what I chose. And it’s not life. It’s a burst of change and excitement, but it’s something that will ultimately lead to death.
And in the surprise twist that no one really understands, that happens all over the planet everyday, God comes over, lifts the calf off of me, heals my brokenness and we walk away together, hand in hand.
There is no explanation for that kind of love.
As I’ve pondered it over the years, I do believe God has a unique perspective on us that aside from being divine, gives him/her the lense to see us. God has been part of the creation process for billions of years. God has seen humans evolve over time, to the place we are now. God understands what we’re up against. He/she understands how our brains work, that to override our natural neurological and physiological makeup requires courage and determination, choices made each day to live into certain values and shut other urges down.
So when we keep trying, after repeated failed attempts, I believe God wants to celebrate that effort. Because it’s hard.
So there are benefits of being connected to the Creator, one who understands who we are and what we’re made of. Who understands that even when we want to find the true path, sometimes we’re too tired to try. Or we’re too hurt. Exhaustion and pain affect our decision-making, to take easier routes that sooth us. And God knows that.
So maybe our forward choices are worth celebrating.
Whether this occurred or how it occurred, doesn't matter a ton to me. These stories have a purpose, and for me, they still have life and meaning. Stories can do that, and they do that for me.
I don't want to be working at this job, and I know it affects our marriage. Maybe it's enough that I keep trying and hopefully, things will change in the areas that create the most stress.
Ended the day watching basketball with friends. It's good to have people around you when you just are too damn serious.