I have had some big revelations since going to this event. I am not very present in my own body. I am shocked to realize this. It’s pretty major. I realized with some of the work on contemplation that I am frequently not in the moment I’m in. I’m planning something else, wondering what is coming next, thinking about anything to distract me from the moment. That is usually the case. It’s very strange to suddenly realize this at this age.
I am thinking this dovetails into some of the other things that I have wondered about, as far as why I do it. The gift giving obsession. I’ve wondered what that’s about. I am not particularly happy or settled in the moment so I am searching for something else for my brain to settle on. I have been quite depressed the last few years and it’s scary. I don’t want to go back there.
We went to a party at a friend's this evening, and I tried to just be in the moment with the people in that room, not somewhere else, either behind or before. This will take work to change.
When we drove by my Mom’s house, it’s the first time I can remember being a bit sad that they aren’t there anymore. I remembered the dinners she used to have there for us and how even though it was tense, it was nice. It was okay at least. She was happier then and they were healthier.
So yeah, I need to continue to stay in the moment, stay present and connected to God, to myself and my own life. I have been pushing hard with a sense that I knew what I was doing. The older I get, the less I feel that way. It’s very strange to be doing this career stuff at this age. I envy some of my friends with their stable, well-paying jobs. I don't know that I'd want that or their jobs, but the instability of wondering what's next is a thing.
I realize I distract myself too with a lot of things. I have used alcohol, TV, the internet, shopping at thrift stores, food, anything to be distracted. That makes me sad too. I seem to have wasted a lot of time. I've kidded myself with thinking much of it was okay, because I wasn't spending much money.
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I survived another hard work conversations with another senior leader about her impending layoff. More fun at the office. I wish my work life was as fun as theirs looks on The Office, the show. We realized a while ago that while we've tried, we can't have much of a social relationship with staff. Our staff seem to have all made great friendships with people on staff which is great. It just doesn't mean we get much community out of our jobs.
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I did go to a jazz concert this evening by myself. I started doing that years ago when I realized Jay wasn't up for much outside his schedule. The music was crazy good, what I needed.