What it feels like to have energy again.
A morning meeting going over design choices for our new space. Coffee with a friend. Then an afternoon moving wood, clearing off the patio, errands to buy garden supplies, dog food and pallets to make a new outside coffee table.
Dinner at our spot, drinks at another, a walk, rain on the patio roof, a small cigar.
My pain is diminishing, almost to zero.
Almost zero.
Anxiety disappearing, depression gone.
How long, how many years, since I could say this?
It feels like a miracle, like I have another chance of life. I don't ever want to forget what it feels like.
I remember this happened years ago. I remember sitting at the dining room table, crying in pain. I remember praying, "I can't live. I can only survive with this much pain. If I could have my life back, I could do more for You."
I don't know how that works with promises. I don't think God keeps score. I know that I wanted to be healed, to be well, and the pathways opened up as the years went by. This in some way feels like the end of this long journey, decades.
I still want to live. I still want to give back and to live my own life. I still want to partner with God, with the divine, to do good in the world with what I enjoy.
I'm 52. What if this is the beginning of another life?
I'm ready.