I did a 180 on the highway today to go back and take some snaps. What spectacular colors: yellow, green, blue, white. The geometric shapes of them all as well; stunning.
I was careful in retracing my steps, turned around on side highways and extended shoulders. But I did lose a few minutes that made me a tiny bit late to my appointment due to all the other road construction. Worth it.
The shapes made me think of my soul that's changing. Is the shape different these days? It sure feels like it. I wonder what it looked like before. Today's session we talked about connection between Jay and I. We talked about how to approach reconnecting. Some approach it from a pure sexual direction; others emphasize doing things that are the edges and often encompass sex: playfulness, being energetic, laughing, edging into being naughty. She actually used that word.
That makes sense to me as we had almost no playfulness for a very long time. Aren't you a little dead inside if you never laugh with your partner? Maybe not. Maybe life is too serious for laughter sometimes, and that's just the way it is.
We talked about how I was emeshed in my family, sandwiched between the deaths of the two grandfathers. Mothers and grandmothers clung to me to meet more needs than I could. Somehow my psyche picked that up and has felt responsible for the world ever since.
We talked about the patina of patriarchy I grew up in, the unhappy, dowdy women who seem to have given up on their own identity or any chance at real beauty when they were young, accepting the dictates of the time, and adapting. I talked about how I started to feel a terror around them at a young age, not fondness, not real joy when I saw them. They genuinely scared me.
All this led me to a place of fear about sexuality and my body, so much to try and push away and change. Exhausted from that effort, but what other choice is there? Buy a smock and start quilting. Yeah, start making things and giving them to relatives who maybe store them for dozens of years, unsure what to do but knowing this was really important to their (fill in the blank of the female relative).
I cried some. I got stirred up. I realized how much of this energy I still carry around. I'm enjoying getting rid of things. It's feeling extremely good.
All of us make adaptive choices to function within the circumstances we're in. I don't have to accept some people's choices or judge them, and I can have boundaries and do things differently while still loving someone.
Focus on loving and enjoying my own body. Focus on more regular, daily touching that's relaxed, playful and positive with each other.
Keep the good changes going.