PIPER SMALL IS A BLOGGER/WRITER BASED IN THE WESTERN UNITED STATES.

SHE IS MOST INTERESTED IN TOPICS RELATED TO THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE IN MODERN LIFE, FAMILY, COMMUNITY, NATURE, SPIRITUAL PRACTICES, DEPRESSION AND PTSD.

SHE TRIES TO DO ALL THIS WITH AS MUCH HUMOR AS POSSIBLE. 

Get It Out

Today, I will attempt to wrestle down the explosion of fabric and decorations still related to the wedding. 

I realize in hindsight that the weeks after an event like this would lead toward some anxiety and frustration. I was elated by the event, but post-event, I realized how tired I was. Because we did so much DIY for the wedding, there then is all the stuff we brought back home. No one came in and swept it all away for us. 

I'm fine with that. That's how we want to live our lives: real, grounded, slower. It does mean you get tired more I guess, but at least it staves off existential angst about purpose in life. 

I bumped into a friend on the trail last night and she mentioned a pastor that she knows who is writing a book on doing zero-waste weddings. So I sent her an email to see if we might connect. It'd be pretty cool if we could somehow give her these items that encompass almost all you need decoration-wise to do an affordable wedding for people with not as many resources who are getting married. 

I don't see that all getting landed today but want to take some small steps in the right direction. 

****

I'm sitting in our conference room looking at all that I can donate to the thrift store that we won't move to the new office. Alot of our lives, ALOT, gets spent managing our stuff. I remember in college, and since then, learning about how many decisions we make each day and how much energy that takes. We make literally thousands of decisions a day. Reducing our stuff reduces how much we have to direct our attention to things. 

So I look at this stuff and just want it all gone already. We're doing to have a cleaner space at the new space with less clutter. It will take work to get there which is just frighteningly awful and funny. We are literally bred to have stuff around us. It takes work to change that. That feels surreal and weird. How fast cultures change. 

*****

Trying to do some curious observer work on why I'm so uptight, frustrated. 

I've been waiting, waiting, waiting. 

Waiting to be healthy. 

Waiting to figure out how to live simply. 

Waiting to write, to do something creative. 

Waiting for our house to feel calm, uncluttered. 

More on the list, but that's what hits me tonight. It's been pent-up for years, for weeks at least, months since we started planning the wedding. Now, I'm ready for things to just be done, for the clutter to be gone, to understand what to keep, what to give away. I'm just ready. 

I'm trying to change a way of living, still. Trying to be healthier in all the ways that add up to overall health. 

So what do I do when I'm frustrated with the big stuff not working? I do a small project, do my best to finish it and not leave a mess. Finishing up the dresser, and it keeps touching on these deep values about family, memory, honor. I am always amazed at literally the drawers of things I have from the past, mostly having to do with my father's mother. I wonder if I have any room in the house that doesn't have something she gave me or made me. 

I keep thinking about it. Why? Why all these gifts and things? I know some of it was that's how it used to be. You didn't go to stores to buy what you needed; you made everything. I'm ignorant to what that life was like. 

Crafts, fabric, sewing; it's what she loved. Her family was her highest priority, and she was reclusive, limited contact with friends. She was highly productive, so there you have the formula. You produce volumes, and it goes to family. I don't now if we needed it all; maybe we did. Now, I just feel like I'm drowning in it. 

I'm going to make new cloth napkins out of Lotta Jansdotter fabric. I'm getting rid of the ones I've bought at thrift stores, the ones I've been given, the ones I never wanted.

I want to decide how to remember people on my own terms. I have very few things from my other grandmother. She spent her days mostly in the garden or visiting friends and relatives. She didn't stay at home much. She didn't hide.

I don't know that she was healthier than my other grandmother, but I think she might have been happier. 

They both were significant women in my life. They both loved their families. They both did their best. This isn't about blame; it's about me. 

What comes to mind when I think of all this is the wedding. The wedding the kids had was the wedding they wanted. They didn't have any issue at all only inviting people they wanted to be there, people they had a relationship with. They know how to honor people, and they know how to live their own lives. 

I have a lot to learn. 

Shapes of My Soul

Family Thoughts