I need to get back to my spreadsheet for organizing life. I feel quite stressed today, can feel it in my neck and shoulders.
We are struggling with a few staff on some key projects and I'm going to get involved again to land some planes. I still have wedding decorations and boxes everywhere. I'd love to get our house painted and finalize some of these bigger projects and some art I'd like to hang.
In short, tired of waiting like I said earlier. I feel the pressure coming down.
Then we had lunch w/ my parents today, and our hearts are heavy with the aging we see in both of them. I feel somewhat helpless to do anything specific other than be working in the background on finances and options should they need more intentional care. I am glad they are still together, still functional and mobile. I know all of that means a lot to them.
This week, the rest of the family is gone. They mentioned that it's more quiet. It's an interesting living situation. I think it's a good thing, but I don't really know exactly how everyone feels. I know they've needed the help they've gotten.
I haven't been doing as much meditating lately or prayer. I'm not sure why I feel I do this kind of life w/o that grounding me.
I've been doing a lot of Blue Zones research and yeah, I feel impatient. I'd like a lot of my life to be different. I continue to feel under siege in this country, and it's tiring. I dream about traveling to Japan and learning more as well as some of the Blue Zones. I want to keep learning and growing especially in the area of food.
I don't need to be anxious. It'd be good to identify what's making me anxious, look at it then tell Snap to disappear. I can get through all of these challenges and make headway. It's just not going to happen overnight.
*****
I've emptied over half the linens and embroidery projects in my dresser.
More than ever before, I realized that things that have been passed down or made for you, they are memory keepers for that person, and for you.
Gran, I'm sorry I'm giving away so many things. I can't hold you in my house anymore. I need to only have you in my heart. I have photos and memories and a few special things. That's all I can have. I feel I can't move on. Even after all these years, your things still seem to hold me back. I pray to God that I can have the self-confidence not to do this to my kids. My mother-in-law gives money and gift certificates for restaurants.
Mom, I am saying the same thing. There are things you made for yourself that you passed onto me. There are things you made for me. I need to let a lot of it go. I need to move on.
My favorite thing that I developed was cutting a little square from all this past scrap fabric from projets from myself and my Mom. I cut a square out of all of them and tucked them into a little box. A fabric memory box. Perfection.
I gave a lot away, taking one project to Ellie and keeping a few things. Otherwise, the rest to the thrift store and a bit into the garbage.
It's starting to feel lighter here. I need it to.
I'm down tonight. Pretty down. I'm tired. I've been staying up too late. I have that worn out feeling I used to have, where I'm just working and not really in a rhythm of any kind. I'm surprised at how hard it is to change, even after all these years.