I'm in physical pain today. I wonder if I have arthritis. I get these flares and my hips and legs ache. My whole right side hip and leg is super tight, like almost spasming. I'm convinced that due to all the stress I've been under, I'll end up with some kind of autoimmune disease eventually. It'd be nice if that wasn't the case.
I've had to accept that I've been a poser or a wannabe a lot of my adult life. I've wanted to be a dancer, singer, play the drums, artist, etc. I've stopped doing a lot of those activities due to the stress of our life, my exhaustion, emotional and physical turmoil. So those are decent excuses but I have avoided these things and stayed busy with other things.
I wonder sometimes about our choices. The business is really hard right now. I don't like seeing John this tired and stressed. Maybe he's doing better than I think. But yeah, I don't know. He gained a lot of the weight he lost back again. I know that gets him down. He just looks really worn.
I wonder if this path is okay for us still, or if it ever was. We seem to not be able to get out of the struggle part of it. I wonder if it will just be a good thing. I guess it is a good thing a lot of the time and maybe it's less hard than I think. Maybe it's not as hard as I realize to have people come and go. I don't know. We'll have two or three people leave in two months time. That's quite a bit. I am tired.
We have some good mid-level managers stepping in to help and we really need them. I guess we'll see how that goes. They are peers with a lot of the people they will be somewhat managing.
I didn't do my meditation this morning and I don't think I can survive this stuff right now if I'm not doing that.
I'm tired and ache. I'd love to be able to be fully active again and not have to rest. I came home today and took a nap.
Someday.
I'm making as many positive choices as I can. I'm investing a lot in therapy. I'm trying to get active again. I don't quite know how it will all come together.