I am putting into practice some of the tools I've been learning the last few years.
My energy and mood stabilized for a few months and was slowly increasing. This spring, I've really struggled on and off for whatever reason.
I've realized I expected the EMDR and therapy to somewhat change things more permanently. it turns out, I will need to tackle my thoughts and feelings that are unhealthy with specific practices and techniques to get things more healthy. Hopefully, it won't be a daily or ongoing battle, but something that will become more natural and part of my life. Big triggers are definitely reduced or gone, but these daily battles continue. #fingerscrossed
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Yesterday was the day my final invoice for our hiking trip got paid. We've done a big hiking trip with friends every summer and I remember clearly how alive I felt as this became a regular part of our lives.
I felt like I had discovered some part of myself that had always been there. I remember discovering in the middle of all that that my grandparents had been in a hiking club. I remember enjoying the international aspect of staying and hiking in Canada, of being with the same friends every year, of being in the backcountry off the grid, just hanging out all day and evening, but also having time to yourself. It changed my life.
Now as I reflect on vocation, I wonder how or if this plays into anything at all. I'm tackling this topic as my next research project once the wedding has come and gone. I'm grateful to have some good resources to lean on and Rohr's readings have been on vocation. Perfect!
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After leaving a meeting last night, the thought occurred to me that marriage is never perfect.
It's possible those of us working on ourselves or some relationship have bought an illusion that there is some combination of tools or methods or processes that will solve all our problems and life will be forever smooth and easy.
I think we will always need love. We will always need to give grace, to others and ourselves. We'll always, always have our off days, even in our most transcendent state. I say that as ironically as possible, laughing and thinking of Anne Lamott. She'd laugh at the concept of arriving someday, needing nothing, lacking nothing, effervescent and ineffable. Fuck that, she'd say, and, not go get a drink because she's sober, but do something a normal person would do to relax and unwind, remind yourself you're not quite that precious.
So here's to an improved marriage and life, but not a perfect one. This is hard for a One to grasp but maybe I can get there.
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Tonight, worked with a neighbor in his shop cutting logs for KT's wedding. We have the stumps from the trees that fell down in the yard in 2015. We hope to turn them into platters for the dessert table and table centerpieces.
His band saw was too slow so we borrowed a neighbor's electric chainsaw. We got about 8 done and will do some more tomorrow.
I did several of them myself and then we did quite a few together.
I was reminded so clearly of the Mental Health All-Stars graphic. We so much need people and community in our lives, even if it's just a few people. We also need a sense of purpose. I think my neighbor has both and I'm working on getting that back for myself.
I was thrilled to know how much community is happening on our block just a few houses away. I am hopeful this is good, community energy to build on for my idea for a lending garage library of sorts or monthly potlucks. We'll see.
He said he and his wife have been married almost 40 years. He said they decided that by now, they're going to stick it out if only because it'd be too much work for either of them to train someone new. It is possible I have said that exact same thing to a few of my girlfriends. Apparently men feel the same way about women!
He also shared this wise line he heard from someone else: "Marriage is like learning to play the violin in public." That's so true! Not much practice, everyone sees you, you screw up a lot and if you're lucky, you finally figure it out.
I had thought about just borrowing a chainsaw from someone I knew and trying to do this all on my own in the backyard. I really wanted to see his shop and experience his weekly shop nights though. I wanted to try and take the time to be with some other people and not just isolate and do it on my own. I also thought this might reduce the risk of killing myself. I'm glad I did.
The platters are rough and will need sanding w/ a bandsaw. Not sure if these will end up being what we envisioned but they will work and are from our trees which means a lot.