I continue to have nervous energy come and go throughout the day. This started about four days ago. I don't quite know what's going on.
I DO know that I'm not okay with it.
I'm starting to marshall the skills I've been learning, to really try and bring to bear what I now know to the situation.
- These thoughts are not from my True Self
- Thoughts and feelings are not facts
- I can choose how to deal w/ these ongoing negative thoughts that continue to come and haunt me
- I don't want to feel this haunted, this weak, this easily destabilized
- I can look at these thoughts and feelings with a Curious Observer stance and begin to ask myself about the thoughts; Is there any chance there are real emotions to consider processing (grief, anger, fear, etc.) or are these old habits and thought patterns that need to be done away with?
Overall, this feels significant, to be finally addressing this as a core issue. I've been doing CBT and EMDR for past memories and triggers. I feel there is this ongoing, lingering sadness and depression that will come in and I don't know why or when it comes.
I am beginning to think sometimes there is a nexus of a genuine emotion, but then my ego/false self takes over and all these negative tapes start playing. The real issue isn't addressed and I'm overwhelmed by this flood of negativity and anxious thoughts.
Finally, I'm tired of how engrossing these thoughts are. They feel deeply narcissistic in some weird way. It's really hard for me to be present for anyone in any moment when I'm feeling this way. It is overwhelming and takes over. I am physically present but emotionally unavailable. The true self my family and friends especially know doesn't show up. I'm just place-holding.
I don't want to be that person. I want to be fully in whatever moment I'm in, not distracted by an old tape that Snap wants to play (I think I'll give Snip a partner in crime that going to also get beaten up).
So commitments to myself today: refusal to allow negative thoughts to start, have immediate strategies to deal w/ Snap, seeing this as narcissism, wanting more, not letting it continue, feeling my real feelings and thoughts.
I can do this.