The burn has taken the edge of any ability to ramp up exercising or even stay with what I was doing.
I decided to not let this derail me emotionally and get super negative. That's been good, but it is a bummer. I guess you can swing from being too emotional to not being emotional enough.
#balance
I really wanted to be outside and just be out, get away from the house. I spend so much time here which I usually love. Lately, though, it's just a lot and I want to be out.
We went on a short hike/walk and then had a beer. It was relaxing and good to just decide to do something, anything.
I've thought a lot more about our conversation this weekend about success and negativity. He said I have this unattainable image of success. He said if you have that kind of image of success, you will be afraid to try anything because nothing can match that.
He’s right, I’ve had this image of what it means to succeed that is completely unrealistic and it does paralyze me at times. I can list all the things it’s been about on and off: the city I live in, the house we have, the age we had kids, our kids, our kid's friends, our friends, our business, our eating habits, our health, my parents and his parents/families, my weight, my hair… the list literally goes on.
It’s a really, really negative mindset. That’s what I’m really uncovering at the bottom of this barrel of yuck that I’ve been digging through, like what’s going to be sitting in the bottom, this big ugly monster of some kind that’s been controlling my mind and life for all these years and creating general dissatisfaction. I probably should try and draw it and name it, so I can imagine killing it once and for all or any of its offspring when this pops back up.
My friend Sal believes her negative thoughts come from this small person in her mind she calls Snip. Sal says that Snip regularly gives her critical feedback and comments that are unwelcome and unhelpful. I thought it was brilliant that she's named her and knows how to deal with it when it happens, knows it's not coming from her True Self. She tells Snip where to go when it happens. Again, truly brilliant.
I think a lot of it is this unrealistic expectation about what life should be. It sent my Dad to bed; I know it did. He had some idea or ideal about so many things and it just put him in bed over and over. He was sick and he raged and he was miserable. Yeah, he had a largely miserable adult life, and while he had some chronic physical issues, a lot of it was mental and his outlook on life. I know it all haunted him and ultimately, it killed him.
There is much here that is unsettling but needs to be unsettled.
How to undo these thoughts? All I've been learning, primarily gratitude practices, acceptance, understanding of our True Self, how loved we are, meditation.
This is more about practicing things I know than learning more.