Skype therapy session today as roads were too bad to drive to Moscow.
I honestly don’t know what will happen at work. It is dominating my life, our finances, our marriage, our collective life together.
We had another planning meeting today at work, and there is so much confusion still over what we’re doing. We have all this toothpaste out of the tube, and we are trying to either change the toothpaste or get it back in or decide to make new toothpaste.
I feel confused tonight but was able to hold my emotions together enough I think, kept from going into full shock and panic, to process what is going on.
Jay is not doing well with these meetings and all of the planning and processing we’re doing. He is under a lot of pressure. He continues to lash out and there are tense words that continue. I don’t understand any of it, meaning, I'm not invested significantly in these meetings as I don't know if these are good exercises to go through or not.
That's one way I've survived this experience of working and owning a business together. Some things I don't understand, and I don't try to understand. The whole situation feels untenable so it's been my sanity, to just shrug my shoulders and be like, "Yeah, I should probably know that but I don't. Go find a CEO that can. Oh wait, that'd mean we'd have money for that and we don't." I guess it's sort of me flipping off the universe at the absurdity of me being the CEO to begin with.
I've hoped Jay could figure it out, whoever was around could figure it out, but I sort of assumed we wouldn't figure it out I definitely couldn't figure all the in's and out's of running a software company.
So, I get angry and triggered. We talked today in a meeting about our one product partnership, and I remember the years I was so triggered I was with them. It was in the same timeframe I was dealing with our other partner and the idiots I had to try and coordinate activities with.
How I hated my life then. I'm deeply unhappy now, but then, I felt disrespected and abused on top of everything. I had idiotic men all around me saying they had things under control when they didn't. They couldn't admit they were failing, and I was the one who had the answers.
As far as work after this weekend, I don't see that things at work are better or different. They really couldn't be. I'm still confused and upset about how things are functioning, how meetings unfold. Jay is upset all the time and frustrated with the senior staff. They are frustrated with him.
I need to get out of the middle and let it go. I can't help much at this juncture, and it's only making our marriage worse, for me to try and process it all with him, make sense of it. No, it just makes it worse. We're both way too sensitive about it all now. If something needs to be said, to anyone, it can't come from me.
That means me continuing to disconnect, trust God, Jay, whoever, that this will somehow, work out.
*****
The session today was more of an overview of how to start getting negative thoughts out of my mind and body, to meditate more and study less, to start to understand chakras, to understand how stories take root in our minds and bodies then become the truth.
Some key thoughts:
- Channel the energy that’s always trying to achieve and become more quiet inside
- We are caught in the stories; pay attention to the story, step outside it, curious observer, notice the physical sensations, use breath, open up to emotion; allows room for the physiological experience to move When you stay in the story, it's restricted in your body, doesn’t move through.
- When an event occurs, locate the feeling of it in your body. Breathe, notice it, stay with it. Notice if another emotion comes up. Be the curious observer. Say hello to whatever it is, thanks for letting me know. Mind will want to go back to the story. Set it aside, be in control, observe and feel and notice.
- You can emulate EMDR in your body by tapping feet, tap hands on legs back and forth
- When thoughts come in, they don’t have to be true or false. Just because mind says something, doesn’t mean it’s true. You can respond, I’m not going to consider this. Mind will spit out a lot of stuff and mind attaches to it like it’s the truth. Want mind/true self to spit out positives.
God is love
I’m loved
I’m amazing
I’m strong
I can chart my own future; it may be hard but I can do it
I’m not a victim
- Tell your mind we’re doing this another way now. When anxious, find the story that’s happening, find it in your body. Observe and then speak truth to that
Chakras
Root/red/spine- security
Naval/orange-creativity/sex
Solar plexus/yellow- power/felt sense of self
Heart/green-love
Throat/sky blue- expressions
Forehead/dark blue- third eye, insight
Crown/purple – divine
Issues not resolved in the system, your system is clear. When not, system is muddy
- Practice meditation; practice seeing your chakras; clarity in energy centers your goal. What do I need most today? Ask yourself that each day.