Many thoughts today. The AlAnon reading yesterday was about obsessive thinking. Timely.
My foot really hurt yesterday. I ended up taking some pain meds and also got the dressing changed. Grateful for good healthcare.
Trying to accept the burn as a setback that's only temporary. Not pushing myself like I normally would, irrationally: "I can still work in the yard! I'm impervious to infection! I have a wedding in four weeks so not matter what I do, somehow the universe will protect me!"
Yes, I have and could still think all these things. Obsessive/crazy thinking: Exhibit A, Me.
Continuing to work with my little tool kit and not let the thoughts take over.
*****
I woke up from a disturbing dream early this morning. For some reason, I didn't have anything to wear to Kate's wedding and it was the morning of the wedding. I was going through my closet and trying to put an outfit together. Nothing worked, at all. It was all dark, some of it was stained. I didn't like much of it, and I recognized most of the clothes I was trying on. Not only did I not like my clothes, I knew they weren't right for the wedding. I was so sad and distraught that no matter what I could do or pull from the closet, I knew these photos would forever have me in them not looking right and just messed up.
I went onto a dream website and typed in Clothing. According to this site, clothing reflects your personal view of yourself to the world. That clothing psychically represents your image of yourself on a deeper level makes a lot of sense. It can also represent transitions in life, like new/old clothing.
So! What does this mean then, really? Options I've considered:
- I need to continue to approach life with new ways of thinking, being, coping, handling stress. The old ways aren't working. They don't help or assist me.
- I don't want to be identified with these old ways of being. I don't want to be remembered for them. I don't want to be like that.
- No matter what I do, I am thwarted from truly succeeding. Something always pulls me back or down. I think I'm prepared, ready, moving ahead, but I'm really not.
I'm not sure if any of these are accurate or they all are. Our brain functions oddly, in that, true feelings or perceptions can be deeply buried and inaccessible aside from practices that allow you to quiet the impressive prefrontal cortex.
Even modest scientific inquiry, however, points to dreaming having a purpose beyond the brain running maintenance scripts during the night. I'll continue to muse on these images that still linger and see if any one stands out or feels "real."
*****
I realized yesterday that it was impossible for my body to heal without my mind healing. A broken mind leads to a broken body; the two are connected. As my mind heals, having a strong body feels more natural and the habits to keep it that way seem more attainable.
*****
I drew this today to try and get a scope of what's happening in my life.
I took the unusual step yesterday while triggered of slowing down and doing some self-care. I didn't just push forward and try and accomplish what I'd normally do. I accepted that I was triggered and loved myself enough to take care of it.
I watched part of a comedy special. I smoked a tiny cigar. I did some tapping. I thought about the scope of what I'm dealing with.
I guess that's what this is about as well. I'm trying to get a grasp of what I'm facing right now and not just try and gut through everything like I used to do. I get frustrated that my Mom has no sense of herself or her own needs; am I doing any better yet?
In doing this exercise, I had the dark dots be negative events and the pink dots, positive. The circles represent the closeness to me, thus more chance for triggering on a regular basis.
In doing this, I realized that the situation with my Mom and siblings to some extent is in my most inner circle. As much work as I've done so far, this is still triggering me significantly. It's tiring. I'm either triggered and tired from that or tired from the work to stop the triggering. Only occasionally are things happening where I'm not triggered, and that's mostly when I meet with providers.
So this is taking a toll. If I'm going to go the distance on this one, it's going to have to be at a pace I can handle. I'm going to have to do better self-care than I am now. This will be an effort and a master's level class in detachment and seeing holiness in all things. I have baby skills and will have to continue to work on my skills or this is going to be a much heavier burden than I want in my life for the next several years or however long it unfolds.
*****
As I woke from this dream, I realized that my brain still has an automatic seek-and-find pattern. Let's find the most negative things possible and focus on that today. My brain seems programmed to find negative thoughts or events then fixate on those throughout the day. This magnifies them beyond their reality and distorts my life.
Gratitude and meditation hedge against this tendency. Much like our new marriage practices, these are baby skills that need strengthening and regular workouts. I am determined to not have my life continue to be defined by the worst things that have happened to me or the most challenging people I've known or do know.
I want to reorder my mind to have a much-healthier setpoint. It would be nice if someday, I'm not fighting my own mind.
*****
Yesterday I did another exercise to help me gauge the scope of what I'm dealing with. It was also helpful.
Top line Issue: Mom has dementia and was not emotionally healthy before her dementia set in.
Symptoms (mine): Anxiety; bursts of frantic need to "do something," anger at the world, the family, Mom; sense of responsibility to bring to light things only I am hearing/seeing (Mom crying, feeling she has to be "good" at the house, etc.); constant pressure to fix things.
Root emotions: Shame (my family feels like it has been chronically broken); Sadness (so little positives from the family for me, so lopsided, so much responsibility and little coming back); Loss (I didn't have parents I could trust, feel safe with); Abandonment (I am once again alone trying to take care of things); Anger (Mom and the siblings continue to be more concerned about the husband); Exhaustion (Tired of carrying the load of all this); Disappointment (Frustrated by lack of shared values in key areas with blended family members).
As I try and problem-solve this, remind myself that these root emotions are always in play. My prefrontal cortex is hiding behind the planning and organizing, but never think they aren't there. Remember I feel shame, sadness, a sense of loss, abandoned, angry, exhausted and disappointed. Unless I do something different, these emotions will continue to rule the day in my body and mind.
This is the state of the union, and I'm glad I'm facing this, the reality of what's happening. This isn't something unpleasant; this is extreme. I felt my jaws clench yesterday for the first time in a long time, just ache.
So what will help me going forward? Daily meditation practices, centering prayer, the Mental Health All-Stars activities, better awareness of codependency and when I'm slipping away from healthy helping to codependence.