About six months ago, I wrote about going through my address book and making changes. (Yes, I have a paper address book that I only use pencil in.)
I never quite finished that process and did so this evening.
Once again, I was reminded of how grateful I am for each person I've had in my little book and what they meant to me, brought to me. I felt freedom in letting them go and also thankfulness for their contributions and meaning in my life for a season.
I didn't feel a lot of anger toward anyone. In some cases, I pondered, "Why aren't we hanging out anymore then?" If these are such good people, why aren't we in touch?
That made me think. If I'm not mad, then why the distance and separation?
For the most part, people just change. Good people can frequently be standing next to each other in life, and it's way more than being a good person to have a friendship work out, especially over decades.
I also realized it's sure important to have all kinds of friends and acquaintances. When you have standards that are too high, you can make it impossible to have friends or imagine yourself even being a good-enough friend. "Perfection is the enemy of the good" seems applicable.
So in paring my lists down, I realize its important to let people in my life still be people, be imperfect, have bad days, be realistic. I haven't done that very well so far, so I'm grateful for the friends who've been able to go the distance with me. As I become less defensive and vigilant, I don't view people's quirks any longer as personal threats. Their quirks may be behaviors that don't make a friendship possible long-term, but I want that to be a pretty realistic decision, not one based on perceptions that are skewed by lizard brain.
*****
We have friends as well that the context of our friendship has changed. So it used to be school or hiking or church or childhood, etc. and maybe that framework has changed. Sometimes it's obvious that means the friendship is probably over, sometimes it can carry on. It's always pleasantly surprising when they can continue, that people can adapt or grow and you continue to be friends.
We spent a little time with people like that last night, and friends you've had for decades, that's a rare gift. At this point, those folks would need to do something kind of crazy ("We voted for Trump, because why not?") to write them off. There is an ease and familiarity there that feels like family and isn't something you generate easily. I'm grateful for the few that fit that category.
We did go through a rough season with them however and the context of our friendship did change significantly. I wasn't sure if we could weather that change. It's been rough at times, but I think roughly four years out now, we're doing okay.
*****
Definitely wigged out about family/Mom stuff. I don't want to be though so I'm not giving in. I know this has to do w/ trauma and how my brain has been rewired due to trauma. I hope in time this will get easier to deal with.