Trauma messes with people in all different ways.
Obvious trauma invokes a certain response in people and ourselves: physical wounds or injuries, imprisionment, disease, disfigurement, car accidents, death of friend or family member, rape, robbery, etc. People can relate either through personal experience or can see the obvious trauma and pain that is present.
Other types of trauma are more diffuse and harder for ourselves or others to grasp. Some of these events have an element of confusion because not everyone relates to same to them. Additionally, in some scenarios, there could even be positive outcomes. These might be divorce, job loss, relocation, military deployment, etc.
There is another type of trauma that is horrific but even harder for people to relate to. They also often happen in secret or happen quickly and then are over. This would be sexual abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, seeing a horrific event (mass shooting, etc.) and others. These are hard even for the people experiencing them to understand. These events don't leave physical marks on your body, but you are always deeply, traumatically effected. Sometimes we question if it was really even that bad. We ask ourselves that; we ask that about others.
I've thought through this over the years, wondered why people respond differently to different types of pain. It obviously depends a lot on the person, but I'm realizing it also depends on what the event or circumstance is.
It's one more reason to not judge someone, to do everything possible to give the benefit of the doubt. It means giving yourself permission to possibly be the only one who feels traumatized. It might be too hard for others to fully grasp.
As humans, we have limited skills, instincts, perceptions. Good people miss signals of hurting people all the time. I know I've done it, and I know it's been done to me. "How could they not know?" I've wondered. In hindsight, there's a billion reasons why we don't see things right away.
I honestly think public awareness and education contribute more than anything else to our collective understanding as humans of when to act and what to say. Our brains are designed to detect threats, to always be weighing situations and people. Our brain needs training though; it doesn't always pick up on things. Giving us the sense of what clues to look for, how to talk and communicate, how to advocate, how to make it normal to reach out and not put the burden on the victim.
*****
Today was just a better day. I woke up feeling better. More sleep? Who the fuck really even knows at this point. I am trying many different things to continue to change and grow; I never quite know what tips a day or season over the edge into a better place.
So that diagram I drew yesterday, the one where I was trying to understand myself and my situations better? I had an epiphany about that.
The middle circle is obviously the core of my being, the deepest parts of me.
I realized that these small dots and circles I put down, even in the inner circle, they are still just events. They aren't me. They aren't drowning me. They don't own me. They can't take over me. I am still me. And Me is holy.
This ties in with the Depression pack I'm finishing on Headspace. In the last 10 sessions in Pack 3, you visualize yourself being filled with light as well as someone else. You are light, you always have light. It's always there; it doesn't go away.
These are the things that change your quality of mind, as Andy would say. Your mind feels lighter, looser, more able to have things come in and out, not freeze or paralyze your mind.
I kept envisioning that circle today as filled with yellow light, Me. I keep believing that as I went throughout the day. I'm always filled with light, soft, beautiful light. Yes, there are some hard events occurring in my inner-most circle, but they're just events.
This is just another step in the thousands of small steps I've taken and will continue to take, but it feels significant.
*****
I ended the day with a solidly good conversation with Mom. She'd had a great day being out-and-about with her hubs doing errands and having fun in general. She sounded much better than normal, and I continue to believe her overall mental health would improve dramatically if she could get out more.
I was happy for her and happy we had a decent conversation without much drama, tension or weirdness. She was glad I called and so was I.
Small victories that are big victories. Just how you look at it.
*****
Lastly, I really do feel amazing today. I'm probably in or above the window of tolerance. In fact, I'm becoming more self-aware of these things, trying to moderate and adjust myself based on what's happening.
I realize that I need to stay calm this evening, not stay up until midnight which is how I feel right now, like I have the energy to start some giant project in about an hour (it's 9 pm now). Again, I don't fully understand why, but I do know that it's my responsibility to start to even out this flight. So my job is to stay balanced when I'm up and stay balanced when I'm down. What I do to achieve that looks different in every situation, but they are skills I have now. It's my job to do it, and do it consistently.
#grownuplife
#adulting
#healthybitch
*****
Finally, finally, my foot was hurting again today, so tight and firey-hot. I was pissed. So I stretched it out really good, then went for the big-gun pain meds; ibuprofen and hydros. And you know, it worked. My foot stopped hurting. I started walking better.
I don't really know what that means other than self-care is really weird when you're trying to be tough or tougher than you've been. This time, it meant giving in and just getting rid of some pain so I could relax and start moving better.
There. That's it.