I wanted to get out of town and hit the road so I did. We coordinated to have Jay fly into Seattle instead of home, giving us a few days by the water and some of our people.
I arranged doggie care and then hit the road around 2:30. Our friends in Tacoma hosting me for the evening, and the drive over was luxurious with the time to think, to listen to another RobCast episode, to take in nature as it whizzed by.
*****
Kay talks alot about the curious observer stance, and I'm doing that more and more. You try and stand outside yourself and observe what you're thinking and feeling, why and when, etc.
Along with meditation, I've found this to be one of the most effective ways to detangle they brain patterns that lead to anxiety and depression.
My worst moods start off with some event occurring that isn't ideal but shouldn't spin me down the drain. The curious observer stance allows you to observe some of those thoughts and then realize, yeah, that's kind of tough, but the entire world doesn't actually suck. You don't suck. Your life isn't ruined. Tomorrow will probably be better.
It brings some logic back into the equation and pries your thinking and feeling back out of the limbic system of triggers and responses.
One of the things I've noticed as I do this more is how negative my current brain patterns are. I've been writing about this lately. Kay nailed me in therapy the other day, and it was a revelation.
I mentioned that Jay and I had had this huge conversation about our old marriage sort of being over, that the relationship had just taken a beating, and it felt better for me to acknowledge that and rebuild something new than try to think our old relationship wasn't as bad as it was.
As we walked around the park and discussed this, he was calm, listened, shared words back, helped us both process.
As Kay and I reviewed this significant discussion, she asked me how I'd felt. I told her I'd felt good, listened to. Anything else? Yes, I realized. I felt safe.
Safe! She was thrilled. She talked about how I finally felt safe around Jay, something that has always been very negligible.
Yes, I said, but I've always had all these people I've never felt safe around, I replied. I listed all the people that have let me down.
She stopped me. "Now look," she said. "Look how fast you went back to talking about the people who've hurt you."
I stopped. Dear God, she's right. I didn't even know what to think in the moment, but I've thought alot about this since.
I drift to the old memories or even new memories, of what is negative. I've been observing this even in conversation. There could be ten amazing things happening in my life, but let's focus in here on this one really nasty thing or person; let's talk about that.
It's sort of shocking to notice a pattern of yours you weren't aware of, especially when it's one you're not fond of, now that you see it.
I'm trying to now take a more positive stance with this tendency, not giving it a chance to get started. I'm asking people more questions. I'm refusing to say negative things, at least not unless we've also discussed positive things. I'm watching what I think about as well.
I'm very grateful for this time in therapy to not only heal from the trauma, but to do a full-court press on attitudes and behaviors that aren't healthy, that have caused me pain and affected relationships.