I had a friend come over this morning to help me organize and plant a garden.
She's transitioning from growing a garden and selling to being a consultant on helping people grow more of their own food.
I'm so proud of her for knowing herself and knowing what she wants to do. A distinction as specific as not growing food, but educating about food has made all the difference for her.
We're excited to have a better organized garden, start gardening again and continue to get healthier with our eating and lifestyle. A garden keeps you more connected to nature, it keeps you moving more throughout the day and is a huge stress reliever. I'm excited for all the side benefits of gardening that come with better quality veggies and fruit.
*****
I finally have online access to my Mom's financial accounts. It's challenging to see it in writing and checks she's written but not as bad as I thought. It appears she bought gold that I'm hoping is still in the safety box they pay for each year. Things like that I'm uncovering. I understand why they call it forensic accounting.
*****
I was talking with a friend about how sometimes with parenting, you work with your kids for years and it doesn't seem like much is changing in a certain area. Then just one day, bam, that thing is instantly changed, gone, whatever. Other things with parenting I remember gradual, observable progress.
I wonder if this is a pattern in life in general. There are plants that grow observably in growing seasons and you feel like things are "progressing." Then there are plants that actually grow slowly during cold months, mostly underground and then when spring comes, you're shocked to see shoots and new growth and wonder how and when all that happened.
Lately, I just feel I've made some really big, seismic shift and I didn't see it coming. The biggest improvement is in how I'm viewing stressful people in my life and situations where I could be much more codependent.
I am not feeling the stress about or around my Mom like before. It's like the codependence has just dropped away. I don't feel the anger or frustration. I don't feel the pain. I occasionally still feel sadness and feel right now I'm more in mourning that she's dying and her dementia is increasing.
I'm helping some friends with a GoFundMe campaign and I don't feel any need to control it at all. I set it up, let them have access and am just letting it roll. I don't feel the need to micromanage them or anything at all.
Finally, I can see the beauty that's unfolding in wedding planning and this new marriage and life that is unfolding for KT. I can see the beauty and am no longer looking just for things to be concerned about. What a relief.
I know I just want to be healthier and am choosing the mornings to be more grateful and also to think throughout the day on my blessings, what I have that is beautiful. In the past, I've chosen more of a negative focus and I realized how much this is coloring other hard situations. I think that could be helping as well.
I believe the therapy and work I've been doing for years is sort of "suddenly" paying off right now, just when I need it. It's interesting to step back and see how this has unfolded in my own life.
*****
In a recent conversation, someone asked about my schedule and what my availability was for getting together. I don't know how to answer that right now. I have quite a bit of uninterrupted time and I'm confident it won't always be this way.
I feel like my part-time job now is to heal myself and my marriage. It's time-consuming, tiring and exciting all at the same time.
*****
I continue to find areas to purge and strip down. The latest has been two file boxes full of old cards. More paper! It's a family curse. I pared the huge bag of over 150 shower and wedding cards to about 10. I found one from my parents written soley by my Dad that meant a lot. It's a keeper. The card is styled nicely with some watercolor bunnies on the front. His note is thoughtful and you can tell his love for me and John is coming through.
These are the things I believe you have to help balance out the pain and anger that people cause. His love was genuine; he was a sick man and how my parents relationship unfolded wasn't particularly healthy. Some of his mental illness was in his control; I think a lot was not.
I am glad to have these cards and I'm glad that I can pare this down to a level that feels special and not just like so much clutter. The names that flashed by on the cards, many I had forgotten or didn't recognize. A LOT of church folks from my parent's churches. Life is so, so fascinating.