I am waking up a lot at night these days.
I feel like deep things are stirring in my soul, things that I don't know how to process or how to get them out. They seem to be coming out at night. I am feeling more anxious during the day. It makes me feel weary of the recovery effort, like will I get to a point where there is a steady state/new normal and I'll just have bad days once in a while?
What I'm observing when I'm anxious and off, uncentered: I overshare. I struggle with boundaries myself. I talk too much. I'm uptight. I over-worry. I struggle to be more rational about normal daily life issues that crop up. I'm less punctual. Flailing seems an apt description.
If Richard Rohr is sitting contemplatively twenty minutes a day, why do I think this is a once/done thing? Do I feel I can actually go through recovery as well as life in general without being centered daily?
That's the rub for me, I guess. For most of my life, it felt like I didn't have control over much so I controlled small things that in the long run, do me harm. I have had a more erratic sleep schedule. Same with exercise and eating. When I search around the edges of those behaviors, it's about control, even things that I know are good for me. If I don't feel like doing it in the moment, well, no one's going to make me do that, not even myself.
Thoughts are not facts. Feelings are not fact, Kay always says. There are attitudes and behaviors that can be habits that are good for me, that my True Self decides, hey, ego, we're doing this, every single day. To be more connected to that True Self that makes better decisions, I need to be more contemplative, more connected to myself and to the Divine. This is the path to sanity.
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Just finished up the 30-episode series in the Headspace Depression pack. I'm reminded again that it takes real effort to change behaviors and patterns. He commented on that as we wrapped up today. People who are chronically depressed tend to move toward distraction, not awareness. I can sure relate to that.
I'm definitely prone to lashing out at myself; why aren't we done with all this yet? Probably some of the One in me coming out, as I keep the bar impossibly high for myself and others (my favorite One tagline). I feel more compassion for myself today as I remember my skills, the love I have for myself and others, the love people have for me.
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What you discover in therapy. Why do we have so little in common, at times, with our own family members? And how is it that we hurt even the ones we love? What to do then. That's a question for a lifetime of learning and loving.
People who are traumatized themselves, all of us, some more than others. We try but we are broken. We try and love from our brokenness. Sometimes, we are best lovers. Sometimes, we can stop the cycles of pain that accompany trauma. Most often, some of the pain still slips through to others.
Trauma leaves fingerprints, and knowing that, I can have more compassion for the ones who try and still struggle.
Compassion. Caring. Forgiveness. Boundaries.
Jesus.