Under gray skies and no roar of the ocean nearby, I'm hopeful.
We have a home and life here and for that I'm grateful. Much good occurred and is occurring in this house and community. I can tell things are shifting in our life together and in our business. There is a sales meeting occurring right now that I'm not a part of. I've had to work regardless to keep things going; that season is ending. I'm realizing that full healing will be challenging without that reality.
*****
How strange is it that I didn't meditate a ton while on vacation. I did some, especially that one day I was so anxious.
I think of Rohr's message last week talking about how contemplation needs to be inherently communal. We often intellectualize contemplation and many of us are not in a place to have considerable time to contemplate.
Maybe being with Jay and just being, no doing, not even meditating, was the contemplation I needed (and French pastries??). I continue to marvel at how much this business of tasking and doing is at the core of my identity. Kay gently reminds me of this frequently. We also live in a society that is completely left-brain, intellectually oriented. My neuroses fit right in.
I'm here ready to meditate back at home. I'm back to more doing which isn't a bad thing. Meditation and contemplation keeps me grounded when I'm at work.
Much to ponder.
*****
And closing the day out with a little Rumi: Love is the bridge between you and everything.
We had Tiny Mighty Community tonight. We're reading The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner, and trying various contemplative approaches to prayer and contemplation. I have felt angry this week already. Angry and scared. Yeah, it's fear at the bottom of all this.
I haven't wanted to love and if there is something not right, it's that. I am white-knuckling this, fearful if I forgive, somehow I lose and more powerful people win. So if I ruin my health and mental peace by being angry, so be it.
I am ready for some justice, that's I think what I'm feeling. I can't let another thing slide.
I am not enjoying this though. One of the times I heard God speak distinctly to me decades ago now, like God was in the room of my head, it was: Are you tired of being angry yet?
Yeah, actually I am, but I'm also tired of being hurt this much. I feel like I can't take anymore pain. I'm scared of the pain, but in reality, anger just draws more pain my way.
Love and boundaries or anger?
What will it be?