My pelvic pain subsided today.
I am routinely rotating through various theories and approaches regarding what will make my body feel better, primarily my pelvic pain.
Of late, I've decided to accept this as a part-time job that I didn't really apply for, but I have it anyway. The pay is lousy. I'm doing better at just accepting this current reality. I'm definitely more aware of others in pain.
Some things in my health are significantly better; others have plateaued and some are worse. Overall, trending up. Need to remember that.
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I spoke with Mom today about getting some reservations for her for a trip they want to take in April. She is struggling with her computer and asked if I could handle the reservations for her which I did. When we were wrapping up the call, she started crying. She does that a lot. I asked her what was wrong, and she said it is the pressure of the shots. It's sort of ruining her life. Dementia and diabetes: horrible bedfellows.
I wanted her to talk about it and cry, to be honest. She simply doesn't talk about what's happening in her life. She spiritualizes everything, and her own identity is long gone. I'm taking care of a shell of the person I once knew, who was the shell of the person who climbed mountains in college.
Last week, I spent a good part of a day crying about this while at my aunt's house in LA. Staring out at the water, all I could think about was the impossibility of her being with the two of us. All of the excuses came to mind, and she doesn't realize we would want her there with us. For reasons I don't fully understand, whatever the man in her life wants, that what she does. She sprinkles that insanity with helpings of judgmental religiosity and Bible verses. None of this is helping her now in a true season of need and pain.
Right now, I am helping with all the practical things that I can, but still have to limit our time together. Their approach to life and the 5x7 photo on a kitchen cupboard of the entire Trump family (minus Barron... where is he all the time??), it's too much, too surreal, too jarring. Some weeks are better than others to be honest, so I just take it one day at a time and manage it however I can. I've decided I have to give myself grace when I can't do all I'd like to do. I get why Jesus talked so much about forgiveness, but then if you study the dude, he had serious boundaries.
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We had a little bit of a rough evening, but not bad. Jay is overwhelmed at work, and I just can't do much at the office anymore. I don't honestly know how I did it for as long as I did. I guess you do what you have to do and the energy and ability is there. Maybe God or a Higher Power? Totally willing to believe that, but I also know I worked my ass off.
Problem is, I just don't have it anymore, even if I was needed. If I had to work for our business a few full weeks a month, I couldn't do it. I'd be back where I was two yeas ago, staring at walls and too tired to even watch TV.
We have real landmines from all those years of not working well or smoothly together. We both put them down as the worst years of our lives, although the year I had two surgeries and was on pain meds as well as Lupron is up there. I believe we can work through those issues but I don't quite know how. I imagine a way will present itself, or we'll spend some more $$$ with one of the therapists we're funding.
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I am deeply enjoying returning to the arts and in some ways, discovering things for the first time. We went to the Symphony last weekend and I found it enchanting. Tonight I went to a lecture at the MAC by Judith Adams who spoke on poetry. A few gems I took away:
"Poems grow out of your life." Robert Penn Warren
"Lower your expectations." Robert Bly, when asked what he'd advise if someone doesn't feel like writing everyday
"Poetry brings us to the essence of life." Judith Adams
"Gray is the price of neighboring with eagles." Denise Levertov, upon moving to Seattle from NYC