Stayed up soooo late last night.
Significant coffee ingested yesterday to get to and from Moscow. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't turn off my mind.
So, this morning is slow. In the past, I'd be under the table with despair and sadness. Everything sucks. I suck. No one has days like this.
Today, I'm just downshifting a few notches but overall, going to do a lot of what I had planned.
Can't believe how freeing it is to be healthy, to not beat yourself up, to not go to the dark places.
In Headspace, they talk about depression being a mixture of all kinds of feelings. We wrap it up and label it something that feels too hard to change.
In reality, today I'm a little frustrated and in some pain. That's it. I'm not depressed. I'm having a few normal emotions that I'm noting and just carrying on with my day at a slower pace.
I'm grateful for change. I'm grateful for freedom. I'm grateful to all the people who've made efforts to help others with their skills and experience. I hope someday I can do the same.
*****
I went and had an X-Ray last Friday at the request of my chiropractor. I continue to have random times where my shoulders, head and neck ache from the accident.
She did a muscle test on me to see if there were muscles that haven't started firing yet, post-injury. There are six different groups that I guess we now get to work on.
Today my spot has flared up I guess because of too much sitting and not enough stretching. I don't really know. It is what it is. I'm doing a lot of stretches and a lot of strengthening. It's a little side job I'm doing w/o great pay.
I'll be glad when it's over, I've settled with yet another insurance company and my body has stabilized. I'm very, very grateful for good healthcare providers.
*****
Wedding plans are going well, and as therapy settles in, I realize how healthy I can be as our kids grow up. I have been looking at slides I found from when I was a kid. My Dad was into photography too and so here are all these photos I've never seen, many of myself.
One of the biggest takeaways is how relatively unhappy my parents look. Pretty flat. My Mom has a look of resignation already and he wasn't even 30. I wish to God she had done something to help herself.
We're different than that, me, Jay and our kids. We like being together. We have a lot of happy memories. We all have relationships with each other. I realized this week that our family struggled being a family, I guess in the sense that I'm thinking.
I remember loving being home and doing projects, having friends over. I don't remember good relationships though. It was a lot of accommodation and separate ways. I know my Mom said all she ever wanted was to have kids and a family. I don't think it is what she had in mind. I'm glad her second marriage has been so satisfying. She deserved it.
All this to say, I'm accepting people's life choices more and glad for all that's happening in our lives. Everyone has a separate path; I'm getting better at accepting that, not having such ridiculous standards for life and enjoying the ride more.