Yesterday and today, different events, thoughts and emotions have occurred that have triggered unpleasant (but familiar) reactions.
In one situation, I recognized the familiar feeling of needing to establish that "I'm not helping out with this one." Anger/fear.
Another I saw some local folks doing a creative project that is quite beautiful and innovative. I just wanted to be part of it or something like that. Doubt/shame/jealousy.
Another, I woke up this morning not feeling well. I've had some issues sleeping this week and a mild headache and stomach ache. Fear/panic.
My pelvic pain flared yesterday so I had to take two pain pills. Sadness/panic
I'm packing for a trip I'm leaving on tomorrow. Excitement/worry.
All of these situations just popped up in the last 24-hours. They aren't particularly overwhelming but it's interesting to step back and observe how things build. It's also key for me to observe and choose how I respond. I have normal, set responses to all of these situations. Now I'm trying on new attitudes and behaviors.
One, I've realized that depression or anxiety is not one feeling or emotion. It's a blend of things, much like the range of emotions I've felt over these events.
Two, I don't have to respond negatively. It's what I'm trained to do, but I don't have to any longer. I have tools now at my disposal to literally choose to respond differently than a deeply negative engagement.
I actually don't want to be sad anymore; I want to be consistently happy.
I don't want to be resentful of other people's success; I want others to succeed as I also succeed.
I don't have to worry about travel; I've made dozens of trips and I'm a seasoned traveler.
I don't get taken advantage of; I'm strong and can set and keep boundaries.
I don't have to be afraid of my pain; I've done significant work to reduce my pain and am getting to a place where it happens only on a rare occasion.
These are all significant shifts in my way of thinking and being. Most positive outcomes could be boiled down to choices and my view of myself. I have to believe I'm worth a different way of living, and I then have to take the active steps to do something different than what I've done before.
Therapy has opened my eyes to the systems I've lived within and the way toxic thinking and being originates. EMDR releases toxic memories from your brain and Lifespan can help create a different narrative of your past. In addition to that work, it's up to me to make different choices that will be the framework of a new life once that deep work is done.
Yeah, it's on me, and I'm up for the challenge.
*****
All that, so good, but then, the doctor.
This car accident really messed me up. It's helped me get more serious about healthy, daily practices, but overall, it's been a huge setback.
The muscle firing could definitely be something that is flaring my pelvic pain in one spot. I've called it "the spot" for years now, decades. It's just a messed up jangle of nerves, muscles and scar tissue near everything private. So bright side, I think this muscle firing therapy could finally release the tension in this area that no one else has seemed to be able to fix.
But it's possible I had a good cry at work and John told me I was awesome and had to rub my shoulders some. I also have lost two things this week, and I basically feel like I already have dementia like most of the women in my family.
Lots of practice today focusing on gratitude and not getting sucked into the hole of negativity, mainly, everyone else's life is better than mine.
The reality is, I'd love to be more creative, not just be someone else or have someone else's life. So that's a realistic change I want to make. It's rarely all or nothing.
This was a pretty jabbery post.
Jabber, jabber, jabs.