Sometimes I worry about the long-term effects of trauma and chronic stress on my health.
I've convinced myself more than once I have early-onset dementia due to memory issues. Over the past twenty years, I also convinced myself I had MS, eye cancer, fibromyalgia and slipped discs. None of these materialized although I have been afflicted with common maladies such as the flu, strep throat, and bladder infections. The benign nature of my afflictions never stops me from catastrophizing my health, however.
I finally realized that the source of my forgetfulness resides in more interesting places that being generally traumatized, interesting to me at least.
1) I spent summers working my way through college at waitressing jobs. One of the sacred rules of waitressing is you never have empty hands. Walking to the kitchen to pick up food, you always bus tables on the way there and vica versa. This becomes so engrained that sometimes you're on autopilot and are in a state of constant and intentional disruption of a primary goal. I guess it's multitasking on steroids. As a result, I might be heading to the dryer to get clean clothes and spot a sock on the floor. The next thing I know, I've swooped through bedrooms, picked up random dirty clothes, put in a load of laundry and then wondered what I was actually going to do. This leads to a constant state of feeling disorganized and distracted and I don't even have tips to show for it.
2) I was part of an email chain recently with one of Jay's new half-bio siblings. He made a comment about his absent-minded intellectual father and something clicked.
My mind is rarely at rest. When I'm doing dishes, walking the dog, at work, almost anything, I'm thinking often about a new idea or chewing on something I've just seen. I pull up ideas I've been thinking about for years in hopes of getting a new perspective on something. I realized: I'm absent-minded. I'm often in a different place that I physically appear to be. This is much different than having dementia. Sometimes I think my entire brain is often offline when it should be more present.
All this to say, I worry constantly about recovering from trauma and if my life's best years are over. To that I say no. No to a sense that I can't do more. No to the belief that I'm too damaged. No to the belief that my best years are over.
I'm distracted and absent-minded, but I'm still a One and get shit done. I have more to do and I'm doing it. I may not always remember the obvious but I'm checked into life.
*****
Driving home tonight, it was about forty degrees and had been lightly raining. This is the first spring rain where the sidewalks are clear and that smell of spring rain filled the air. It was still chilly so I made a fire when I got home. Alot of amazing smells, warmth and connected feelings to end the day.
*****
I'm starting to feel a lot of emotions. I feel like I'm returning to something and also going somewhere new. It feels like I'm waking up after being asleep in a dark place for a very, very long time.
I am trying to take it slow, and realize that going fast or too fast isn't something I want to do now or ever. I did that before and it contributed to where I ended up. Jay has commented that I seem to be doing really well. He's observed it all and I trust his opinion. I'm glad this will be less stress for him as well.
Spring feels real this year. Someone posted a photo today of new buds coming onto a branch that had old seed pods still clinging. That seems like life; that seems like me. I'm just glad fresh life is appearing this year. It's been a long time since I felt the energy of spring in my bones.