Change my expectations.
Much better attitude today as I am enjoying reflecting on what we have and what we’ve created.
An amazing week w/ adult kids home.
But the biggest change, feeling a renewed sense of purpose in my focus on our family and relationships. Seeing our kids together and realizing this is what we wanted and we created it.
Seeing hope for the marriage for the future in my own attitudes, changes and adjusted expectations. I’m especially seeing more my own contributions to what has happened, positive and negative. Mostly, feeling humbled and motivated to change the attitudes I’ve had that are toxic and dangerous to our marriage.
Listened to Moonlight in Vermont this evening. Cold and windy outside. Took a late afternoon nap, and it felt normal, like people do this kind of thing after a long week of holiday activities and skiing. Eating leftovers. Still some gifts laying around. Evidence my kids were just here. Lights on the tree. More activities planned the next few days w/ friends and family.
My soul feels full.
I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time.
I love the dark. I love the coziness. I love doing outside winter sports. I love the time to reflect and burrow down. I love the stillness and the drawing together of people and your own soul. I love this time of year.
*****
This weekend was our anniversary.
I’m lowering my shields as I realize the threats are gone, and I’m now surrounded by imperfect people who love me. That makes a difference in how you celebrate an anniversary.
We’re all tired of talking about all the past hurts. I’m tired of it.
Jay continues to say stupid things sometimes. Sometimes I do exactly the same back to him. These are not reasons to fight but to have serious conversations about what works and doesn’t. It’s normal and doesn’t mean either of us is unsafe. We’re still recovering and still learning. If we can give each other grace, we’ll do much better.
My attitudes are changing around all this and that’s probably the most significant thing of all.
Lest we not discuss sex, it affects everything. How can you be sexual with someone if you’re not honest? Or feel safe?
Game changer.
We spent time on and off together, went to one of our favorite cheap eats places then took in hilarious comedy at the local club, sold out show to hear Chad Daniels. We were relaxed, we enjoyed parking downtown in our private spot and just enjoyed being out at night in the winter, downtown, celebrating our love for each other.
Life looks different this year as it wraps up than last.
I feel the glow still of a week of celebrating life and love and togetherness and family with all three of our kids now. I like having a son-in-law around; he shakes things up. I imagine KT is doing the same at his house.
We got our stuff all done that needed to get done and got presents where they needed to go. It all worked out.
For people with our history, these are not insignificant things.
Small/big victories.
Spokane, WA