Waking up, 4:30 am.
Not sure why.
Going skiing today w/ the kids.
Pondering some growth points lately, primarily “perfection is the enemy of the good.” Also, the time God said into my mind, “Are you tired of being angry yet?”
I need to release myself into my own life and not keep trying to make my immediate life radically different. I am working on incremental changes and some bigger changes, like taking a class. I’ll take more classes after that, and I keep working on my health.
I am very susceptible to looking ahead at something that is a mirage, something better in the future, missing the present. That’s one of the downfalls of being a One and probably someone w/ a trauma history.
So I give into my soul and to God and my community today and release the quest for perfection. This is the life I’ve crafted up until now. We can keep working on making it better in the future, but for now, enjoy the beauty that’s here. Accept yourself and what you’ve done. Accept your kids and their strengths and flaws. Accept your friends. Accept your job, your talents, both used and unused. Accept your city, your house, your lack of progress on your goals. Accept the amazing dinner you had last night as being the best dinner you could have made that day. Accept your level of fitness, your health, your extended family.
Accept today and look at what you’d like to change, yes. But never stop being grateful for what is that is good.
Don’t let perfection be the enemy that robs you of your now.
*****
Well.
These are big thoughts that are happening right now.
Today while skiing w/ the kids, I thought a lot about my own attitudes. I’m really sad to realize how much I’ve been choosing anger and sadness and depression over other options.
I’ve had genuine trauma and that’s taken me down.
I’ve many times though, chosen to be picky and unforgiving when I didn’t have to.
My husband has as much trauma as I do. We have both entered life and marriage pretty broken. If I can be stronger and more comfortable in myself, not looking outside myself so much for gratification and acceptance, I can be stronger and accept him when he’s down, when he’s cranky. I’m safe with him. He loves me, and we can do this.
*****
Hey ya’ll.
Hear this.
The best my house has looked all year had the objects of living people strewn all over the place for a week.
And being that I’ve worked on living in the present, I was thrilled. I even took pictures.
I thought about all the Pintrest pins that I’ve done and others and how it seems half of IG is about the latest project on your house.
Sure glad the house was clean when people showed up then have done very little picking up or tidying outside the kitchen since then.
Everyone is comfortable.
I’m less stressed.
I’m in the present.
The kids said they felt like they were on vacation.
I guarantee fussiness about the house would have impacted that.
Just saying.
Another thing: Laughing and having fun and giving people the benefit of the doubt is better than being sullen, out-of-sorts, anxious and judgmental. My kids laugh a lot more than I do. I hope they always do.
*****
On skiing. My body feels good. I’ve been doing some lower body strengthening, and it helped. My legs feel pretty good. I pushed myself though. Not in a dangerous way, just did as many runs as I could before lunch. I want to keep getting better. I asked Bee for tips on skiing as he’s a pro skier. He said I looked pretty good but was too straight on top and needed to be on the balls of my feet more.
I’d like to get out and do more physically, but it’s up to me. I need to push myself, train, keep trying new things. I’ve always loved skiing and the mystique of it as well. It was a pretty cool thing when I was a kid that was completely out-of-reach for me. I’d like to maybe find kids that want to learn. I could take them up and get them suited up and ready for their lessons.
*****
Also, read an excellent article on traditional vs. modern culture.
So many good thoughts. Just trying to live in my reality and be super grateful for all I’ve done in this culture that feels more traditional. Yes. Celebrate the wins and live in the now.
*****
Just watched Trevor Noah. He talked about how if when as a kid, someone threw a racial insult at him, his mom would say he needed to shake it all up w/ Jesus and send it back as light.
Yes to this.