Continuing with the theme of taking responsibility for myself and the house and family. Not wondering about Jay and why he is or isn’t doing something. Took H on a walk, fed her, shoveled, made smoothies, made the bed, etc.
Now planning for the rest of the day including getting some food for the little hubs while KT and I are gone. We plan to ice skate this afternoon.
I feel hopeful and energized this morning. We are planning a trip down to Cali in early Jan to see some dear friends. The kids are home, and are resting and enjoying being here. My house feels like a restful place for people to be. I can feel it is giving me energy and a sense of purpose, to know my house is a place people are resting, feeling rejuvenated and recovering. The little basement bedroom really comes in handy and is very private. A bath as well would make it perfect. I realize I’m giving some of that energy back to people that some of our Cali friends have given to us. Thoughtfulness personified in tangible ways.
I am reading a lot about the Blue Zones and energized to keep learning about traditional ways of living vs. fully modern ways of living. It’s quite fascinating. How do you blend the two? Is it even possible?
This is one reason I left church is it felt like the basics of human living weren’t addressed. It was this incredibly anemic approach to spirituality that was all in the head and very guilt-based. There wasn’t discussion of nature or our bodies or energy or food. No discussion of dancing (aside from prohibiting it), games, laughter, living, eating. It was this was and is this bizarre approach to spirituality that is a product of the industrial, modern age: packaged and separate.
So I keep on my search and try and take it one day at a time.
I worry that my searching keeps me from enjoying each day and what is good in that. So I need to be always present with what I’m doing and with the people I’m with.
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Sometimes, I just feel neurotic. I need to talk to Kay about this. I get slightly triggered then my mind veers off into a million directions. I love Jay. I can’t live with Jay. It’s my problem. It’s everyone else’s problem.
Spent the morning and lots of the day w/ KT shopping at a few stores then a quick snack then ice skating at the new ice ribbon. What an awesome time hanging out and getting to watch them together as a married couple. We took them out to dinner to celebrate the new hubs new job. We’ve never had this much time w/ them, and it was pretty great.
It is a balance of continuing to be an adult and take responsibility as well as manage a realistic triggers with y life and Jay.
One thing that has become clear w/ visiting family is how much I need community again. My life has just become way too sterile. That’s the word I was looking for earlier. Sterile. I’ve loved the fun things kids drag you into and these are healthy kids who do fun things. We have so little fun and lightness in our lives, still.
So on we go, keep learning and growing.
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One thing that is happening more is remembering all the good parts of my life before my breakdown.
We stopped by Boo Radley’s and Atticus today after skating, two great shops I spent a lot of time in buying gifts for young men and nephews and nieces. Myself as well.
I felt some old energy from when I was more confident and assured of the community I was in and the role I played.
It felt good to see the playfulness of Boo Radley’s and remember how much I enjoyed discovering that. I enjoyed it, it was fun and I was good at that, being a part of the community that brought some fun.
I lost that almost completely after my breakdown. I’ve felt very little playfulness. I’ve blamed it on Jay. He doesn’t bring any playfulness to the table, so I have to create it for both of us. When I don’t have any, there isn’t any present.
I don’t know what that means. I would love to have more of that somehow, but do I need to expect him to generate some?
I found the photo his Dad carried in his wallet of Jay when he was one, wandering around in their backyard crying. He was angry crying, at one, and his family has said he did that for years. His Dad finally told him one day it was time for him to stop crying and he did, like, for forever.
Now we know he was crying for the two mothers he’d lost by the time he was one. He felt some deep psychic fear of being abandoned again, the lack of the people he was attached to being present.
Jay and I have been holding deep, deep pain and loss in our lives, our bodies and our marriage. We tried our best to get it out of our lives and not affect our children. We’ve tried to have it not affect our marriage, but it absolutely has.
Remembering all this, we need to keep on the journey toward healing and repair. We have a long way to go, but I can’t live only in the future. I have to live today in what has improved and changed. Name that and claim it. See what good has been done and have that remain the fuel for what will get better.