One kid has headed back home to Seattle, the other two kids are still here.
It’s like a jackpot, to have three adult kids hanging out at your house for a week. They’re happy to be here and have the time off. They seem to enjoy being here and feel at home.
We could have more food around so need to stock up again tomorrow. El did a great job before Christmas and now time to do another run.
It’s definitely a new season. KT and I went on a long walk this evening without any real agenda other than to be outside in the snow and together. We were both a little out of sorts, and it did us both good.
Several interesting conversations today:
Early in the morning, we went to breakfast; me, Jay and El. The way it unfolded, I got triggered. Jay was questioning El about something and just the way he was doing it was annoying. The important part though was El commented that she thought both of us had changed a lot. She mentioned my lack of getting triggered as much and when I do get triggered, I have a plan of what to do. She said Jay is talking more about his emotions and is commenting about his feelings fairly frequently. She said the change in both of us is pretty remarkable.
I was talking with Mom on the phone today, and she mentioned the girls being helpful with some stuff in her apartment yesterday before dinner. She commented on how wonderful they seem and happy KT and hubs are, so cute together. Then she said she can tell I live a very “free” life. That’s the word she used, free. I think she feels trapped by her own fears and negativity and is realizing it now. It was incredibly insightful and validating that this thing I’ve been fighting for years is a real thing. It’s been extremely hard to be this close to someone this fearful and restricted and messed up and not have it affect me. That she acknowledged that whatever she sees, I’m free, that’s powerful.
Jay wanted to process some business stuff this evening. He’s making some big changes and decisions regarding hires in the department I used to run. He wanted to run things by me which I appreciated in hindsight.
We made our way around to the fact that I haven’t really known the kind of advice he’s been getting regarding pay structures and commissions. I mentioned that the pay structure is very different of the different kinds software companies based on the products they sell. He said he’s getting a lot of feedback from our consultants. I reminded him they didn’t sell SaaS software, and I did. I became an expert in all of it. I could have taught classes. I could have consulted. I probably still can.
I mentioned our former partners and all the people that have given us advice, people that discredited me and how awful it’s been. He looked sad, mentioned that yeah, it really sucked how much of the brunt of everything I had to take.
I realized then that I have PTSD from all of this as well. I haven’t known how deep it has gone, but in talking about it all, it’s really, really deep.
I don’t know if Jay has fully understood all I went through until he’s had to do all of this himself.
I honestly don’t know what to do about all this at times. Times like this, I don’t want to be together. I get tired of his posture toward life, but he’s an incredible worker and on and on with other good things. My heart though really struggles with how incredibly hard our marriage has been.
I would like to process all of this and try to move on. I would like someday to be happier to be together, not get triggered. The holidays are very triggering.
Tonight, he came home and did a few small things that showed he was sort of aware of things. I guess he does some of that at other times with other things. It just was nice.
On my walk today, I decided I really want to keep focusing on myself and hope that affects our marriage. I’m sad at how dysfunctional I still am as well. Being around KT always reminds me of that. She has a lot of my gifts and abilities but almost none of the anger. My aunt has mentioned that I’m like a mini-me of her, but without her demons. I guess it happens; we see ourselves in others and in a better way.
I’m just so damaged and then have all my own issues and personality flaws. I do great things as well and love parts of myself.
I’m reminded that Andy talks on HS about how many of us carry on completely normal lives and have very negative thoughts much of the time.
I am getting triggered then that affects my ability to be happy or connected to myself or Jay. I am hoping that changes.