This happens every year, no matter what I do.
It comes down to crunch time w/ meals and presents and too many activities.
I end up having a small meltdown somewhere along the way. Jay sails through, stays at work, rarely helps. He shows up for meals to help when needed. That’s about it. The kids are helping more that’s for sure.
RIght now, they’re all downstairs, playing a board game. Jay will tell me later it’s my fault I don’t have a better attitude. I let things get to me. I need to relax. He just doesn’t get it.
I’ve been going nonstop for months on this holiday season, and I’m sick of it. I continue to get caught up in these activities related to work, our family, other organizations. I feel buried, and no matter what I do, I can’t get away from it all.
Last year, I said I was tired of doing all the cooking and asked people to step in and do more. They helped with TG last year I remember, just when my hips were getting worse. I remember coming home and crying on the couch downstairs. I said I felt like nothing I did mattered, that my life just felt like one big failure. KT was there and said she didn’t have time for that kind of talk, when I do it or Scott either.
I will have to seriously look at what this can look like some way next time. I have asked friends to not do any kind of gifts, but people keep doing gifts. I am okay with food, like making it or going to the store. I’m tired of trying to think of unique things for all these dozens of people we have friendships with.
Primarily, I just want to spend time with people when they’re in town and what ends up happening is, I miss all the hang-out time, because I’m too tired from all the present and decorating prep and cooking. The whole holiday is starting to feel like just a nightmare for me. I’m tired of how much is crammed into this one month when all I want to do is be calm, reflective and be with people, experience some beauty, remember traditions and make new memories. Instead, it’s just tons and tons of work for me.
This year, we’re only giving the kids two gifts then money and their stockings. If I could get all my friends to say no to any gifts, that would help a ton. It’s just too much.
I’d also like to have someone help me at work w/ all the correspondence to the clients.
At least we aren’t cleaning as well and getting ready to host a meal. I’d be losing my mind. I just can’t do it.
Long ago, I gave up the idea of having others join us that needed somewhere to go or doing something for charity. That’s always disappointed me, that we don’t do more at the holidays to help others. We give some end-of-year money but not anything volunteering-wise.
So here we are, thirty minutes from going down to the park to go caroling. I enjoy that for the most part. I need to get people to order their Thai food and have the menu pulled up somewhere. Then we head up to our friend’s house for food and presents and maybe some games. Who knows?
Tonight, I stuff stockings and jam a few more gifts in bags and try and get to sleep. Tomorrow we head to my parent’s house. I talked to Mom today, and she sounded really stressed. I am going to push for them to change their PO box in the new year. I will need my step-sister onboard to convince her Dad. He’s the hold-out.
So yeah, I guess I’m just tired of the holidays and what it means for me after all these years. I’ve even tried to pare things down, and I feel I’m still fighting it all. We didn’t even put our tree up until last night. I just am tired of trying to do it all and make it this wonderful holiday for everyone when it’s killing me and ruining the season every single fucking year for me.
It’s going to be up to me to make it different.
Our San Diego friends are doing some kind of gift of experience when we visit in a few weeks. I like that idea much better. They at least are onboard. I am going to have to have a list of how i want the holiday to be different for me, as I’m the one affected by it all the most negatively. I do it all, make it all happen, and I’m the one that needs to change it.
The kids love being home, the coziness and food and traditions and time w/ friends and family. They like the stockings and the time with extended family.
I just need to decide once and for all what this will look like for me next year.
*****
When I was visiting the nutritionist, she mentioned her husband has a catering service. He’s really busy at the holidays w/ corporate parties, but also, just families that don’t want to cook.
Hahahaaaaa!
That’s me. I’d be happy to have more food help.
*****
I spent a year watching Harry Potter movies to try and let my mind process what I’ve been through.
Now I’m watching The Bodyguard, a Netflix show based around a former soldier who also has PTSD.
I guess that means I’m getting better.
I guess it means I’m still processing a lot of my life.
*****
We just had our traditional Christmas Eve dinner w/ our good friends. It’s pretty sweet to have traditions. I wish I was in a better place. Hopefully good sleep will help.