The girls are both home.
Already friends have swung by from their high school days.
I can’t believe the difference between their past visits and this one. I feel almost no stress at all. My present status for them both isn’t great, but I honestly don’t care. El just mentioned she didn’t come home for presents.
Yesterday, I chose to take an hour to watch a show on NF instead of keep doing more chores, more shopping, more everything. I just left a bunch of stuff to do today, and we’ve gotten most of it done: me, Jay and El. We’ll do a bit more cooking and prep this evening and be ready for tomorrow’s time w/ Jay’s family.
I’m grateful for all the years of work to remove these patterns from my brain and the trauma from my body. It feels pretty amazing.
I’m also doing so much better on feeling like I have to do all the things. The tree isn’t even up yet. It’s on the back porch currently. We’ll probably put it up this evening or maybe tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe the day before Christmas.
Most importantly for me, I know it’s not my job any more to prohibit any kind of disappointment from coming to the kids that I could have alleviated. My own physical and mental health is more important than that. It’s taken a long time to get there.
*****
The last two weeks, the focus of the Daily Meditations has been contemplation.
Gems like this, all week long:
The effectiveness of action depends on the source from which it springs. If it is coming out of the false self with its shadow side, it is severely limited. If it is coming out of a person who is immersed in God, it is extremely effective. — Thomas Keating
I’m sure glad to be on this journey, finally, with a small group of fellow travelers in our little group and others around the world. Rohr says we’re all in “kindergarten Christianity.” Starting over, clearing out the cobwebs of the junk I learned.
Yes, that’s what a lot of it was, just clutter and noise. Filler. Religious filler in place of the real thing. I’ve been wanting food, and I kept getting fluff.
I’m sure a baby, and all I feel good about is that I’ve been pursuing this for a very long time, practicing for several years now, however spotty.
For myself at least, I’m convinced I’ve needed the guided meditations. I am not able to just sit by myself and be quiet much yet. I’m getting there, but have had so much to unravel. i’m grateful for the whole plethora of things that are sustaining me on the journey: guided meditations, centering prayer, people in community and guides, my own senses and spirit promptings, yoga, my past knowledge being made alive. and on the list goes.
Grateful
*****
I’m glad everyone is home, and I’m glad it’s Christmas. I will say though that I’m not in despair anymore all throughout the year. Things with Jay are better and mostly, I’m better. That sinking feeling I used to have when I knew how much I needed the girls around is gone. I’m thrilled they are home, but I don’t hate my life any longer. I can come to these relationships with more peace and less neediness.
*****
Continuing to enjoy just enjoying the kids and being okay when they leave. I think! It’s always hard, but I’m excited for the new life emerging for me. I used to depend a lot on their energy and when their friends came over. I feel more like I’m my own person for the first time. I’m sad I affected them w/ my neediness. I was doing the best I could and trying to change.
I haven’t talked w/ Mom much in the last week or so. It feels weird and strangely good. They are stable, and I’ve needed a break.
We put up the tree tonight. As an example of being less stressed, I didn’t push to get it up. I didn’t think the kids would freak out if it wasn’t up when they got home. I figured others would have to chip in if they wanted it up, wanted food, etc. I’m tired of doing everything and being unhappy due to not saving time for myself.
It feels good to have people love to come here and relax. Right now, the kids are in the basement with their friends watching Top Gear. I joined for about an hour. Now I’m heading to bed, and it’s not done yet. I love that they like being here and love that I can join in. I’m not the friend though. I’m the parent and have another life outside being a parent.
The day at the lake w/ Jay’s family was magical w/ the weather. I think the family is doing pretty well in some ways, not great in others. We don’t spend much time together when we do get together. It’s was about 4 hours and we didn’t get out games. Just eat and then opened some gifts, chatted, watched TV then left. That’s seems super American to me and not really my ideal.
However, I’ve also come to really appreciate more the effort people make and just appreciate what we have for what it is instead of always wishing for some other magical existence that I don’t know how to make happen. So I’m grateful for all Jay’s sister especially does to get us together. I did that for many years when the family wasn’t as stable and really glad to not be leading that charge as much as before.
All in all, a great day.
And.
Almost no pain anywhere. It’s like a switch went off on Friday afternoon.
Glad it switched off.
I’m suspicious it’s my lower stress and also, the Foundation exercises I’m doing each morning.
On we go.
Newman Lake, WA